When you look at the disintegration of marriages, homes, families, relationships, morals, and society in general, do you wonder what is happening? Do you wonder why godly life principles, a sense of honor and moral restraint, graciousness, and propriety are slipping away?
Why has school, work, getting married, being a wife and mother, a husband and a breadwinner taken on such an atmosphere of anxiety? Why is there stress rather than joy? Why have people in general become so narrow-mindedly "me" centered? Why are we so broadly tolerant that whatever others think, we accept it as right? Why is our society made up of so many frustrated, unrestrained individualists who put self before others?
Why, Beloved?
Have you considered it might be because we have lost our sense of the fear of God?
Romans 3:11-18 describes what happens when people lose their reverential trust and awesome respect for God. It describes what happens when a generation is raised apart from a biblical knowledge of God.
Read the scripture for yourself, dear friend, and see what you think!
11There is none who understands, There is none who seeks for God;12 All have turned aside, together they have become useless;There is none who does good, There is not even one."13 "Their throat is an open grave, With their tongues they keep deceiving,""The poison of asps is under their lips";14 "Whose mouth is full of cursing and bitterness";15 "Their feet are swift to shed blood,16 Destruction and misery are in their paths,17 And the path of peace have they not known."18 "There is no fear of God before their eyes."The passage you've just read is the self-portrait of a person who does not acknowledge the God of the Bible. It is the epitome of someone who walks according to his or her own understanding-dictated by his or her own desires, making decisions according to personal criteria that ignores God and His Word.
This is why those who claim to know God and are raised in the church can rationalize their unbiblical behavior. The world dictates their morals and their values. This is why some men tell their wives to submit, but don't love them as Christ loves the church; why they neglect their families; why women put their careers and self-development before their God-ordained, biblically-prescribed roles as wives and mothers; why spouses walk out because they are no longer in love; why divorces are rationalized; why people live together and sleep together before they are married; why sin is so readily excused among leaders of our nation.
What happens when the Ten Commandments disappear from public places, when prayer is removed from schools, when you raise a generation that does not know God and is not parented and . . . "every man [does] what [is] right in his own eyes"?
Pick up almost any newspaper or magazine. Read what's written and pictured on the cover. The Internet, television, Hollywood-it's so polluted. Are we a society that fears God?
You and I desperately need to know what the Lord abhors and what the Lord approves of-and the consequences of not living accordingly.
Abraham feared for his life,"'Because I thought, surely there is no fear of God in this place . . .'" (Genesis 20:11 NAS).
In a sense, you and I need to do the same.
We need to do everything we can, dear one, to instill-first in our own lives, in the lives of our children, our families, our churches, and then in our society-a biblical knowledge of God.
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge" (Proverbs 1:7).
Knowledge begins with information but goes beyond to wisdom-the "know how" to apply information to the everyday situations of life. Thus the book of Proverbs tells us 9:10 that "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding."
There is no better time than now to discipline ourselves anew for the purpose of godliness; to set schedules, to order our days, to stop and think about our future and where we want to be-and where we want our children to be-a year, two years from now.
Let's do as God instructs us, consciously redeem the time because the "days are evil."
If you want children who will someday rise up and call you blessed, rather than rebuking you for not warning them, then you must teach a life lived and ordered by "the fear of the Lord."
Look at Psalm 31:19: "How great is Your goodness, which You have stored up for those who fear You, which You have wrought for those who take refuge in You."
Take note. God's goodness is only for those who fear Him. And to fear Him is to have an awesome respect of God and a reverential trust for Him.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
How Sleep Could Kill You...
Every one of us has a mysterious double life.
For about two thirds of the time we are conscious beings, thinking about the world within and without, and negotiating our ways through the obstacles of life. For the other one third of the time we are nearly lifeless lumps of flesh, unconscious to everything but our own fantasies, as we lie flat in bed asleep. We all know that sleep is important for health. But for an activity that consumes about 8 hours of everyday of life, surprisingly little is thought about the act of sleeping, or the way our culture teaches us to sleep. Sleep behavior, like all human activities, is defined by our culture.
Sometimes, the practices taught by our culture can impact on the way our bodies function. As medical anthropologists, we research ways our cultural practices may be affecting our health. And we have found that the way we have been trained to sleep may be one of the most important causes of various diseases plaguing our society.
Of course, when you consider the culture of sleeping, it includes such isues as the length of time to sleep, and time of day for sleep. Do you take frequent naps or do you sleep 8 hours straight? Do you sleep at night or during the day?
Other issues concern sleepwear. Do you sleep nude, or with pajamas or lingerie? Do you sleep in your underwear? Should the sheets be natural fabrics, such as cotton or silk, or is polyester okay? What about the detergent and fabric softeners used in the sheets, pillow case, and pj's?
Should you eat before you sleep? What is the impact of watching television before sleep? Should you take sleeping pills to help you sleep?
These are some of the culturally defined issues that help determine how we sleep, all of which may have some potential impact on health. However, there is one cultural issue that tops the list of importance, and which may greatly determine your health status. It has to do with your sleep position. Are you sleeping on a firm, flat bed, face down, with your nose and eye compressed against the bed and pillow? Or are you on your back with your head slightly elevated, as is the case for many native cultures that use hammocks or other non-flat surfaces for sleep?
The reason we ask this last question is because the circulation to the head and brain is completely related to your body position when sleeping.
We all have had a time of experiencing dizziness or lightheadedness when getting out of bed too quickly. This effect is called orthostatic hypotension, and results from the fact that blood pressure falls when you lie down, and sudden raising of the head may temporarily deprive the brain of sufficient blood pressure, resulting in the dizziness or lightheadedness. The blood pressure soon rises, increasing the blood supply to the brain, as you feel normal again.
This phenomenon shows that the body's position, relative to gravity, influences head and brain circulation. You can also demonstrate this by doing a head stand, which many yoga practitioners do daily. Intracranial pressure rises dramatically, as blood rushes to the head, which becomes beet red, and the neck veins swell out, as blood pools in the venous system.
But apart from these examples, very little, if anything, is mentioned in medical physiology textbooks about gravity and its impact on circulation. Yet, you cannot fully understand brain circulation without considering gravity.
The effect of gravity on brain circulation is purely mechanical, and relates to the position of the head relative to the pumping heart. When we are standing up, the head is above the heart, so blood must pump against the force of gravity -- from the heart to the brain -- lowering the effective pressure with which the arterial blood is delivered to the brain. Meanwhile, drainage of blood from the brain to the heart is facilitated by the pull of gravity.
In contrast, when we lie down and are horizontal, the heart and head are now on the same plane. This eliminates the effects of gravity on brain circulation. Blood from the heart pumps powerfully into the head without gravity's resistance, increasing intracranial pressure. And blood returning from the brain to the heart must do so without gravity's assistance, causing a back-up of blood in the brain.
Essentially, intracranial pressure increases, and overall brain circulation diminishes, when you are lying flat compared to standing up.
Of course, the body is intelligent and has mechanisms for controlling brain pressure under different gravity situations. When the brain gets pressurized from lying down, there are various pressure receptors in the head and neck designed to lower blood pressure, thereby preventing too much brain pressure and the possibility of blowing a blood vessel or creating a cerebral aneurysm. This is why blood pressure is lower when we are sleeping, and horizontal.
But these brain mechanisms for adjusting pressure have their limits. As we go through the day in a vertical position, gravity relentlessly pulls our body's fluids downwards, which is why many people have swollen feet and ankles by day's end. Once we lie down, the gravity effect is lost, as fluid leaves the legs and returns to the head. So despite our brains normal defense mechanisms, throughout the night intracranial pressure increases and is highest in the morning, after hours of lying flat, and lowest at the end of the day, after hours of being vertical.
What happens when intracranial pressure is high from long periods of lying flat? The increased arterial pressure causes extra cerebral spinal fluid to form in the brain's ventricles, increasing intracranial fluid pressure. The ventricles swell and the cells of the brain become bathed in excess fluid, essentially causing brain edema. This edema would lower the available oxygen and sugar for brain cells. The lack of gravity assisted drainage from the brain would cause a back-up of blood in the venous system and collecting sinuses in the brain. The brain's circulation would become relatively stagnant, as the only force moving blood through would be the pushing force of the arterial pressure (which is greatly reduced after going through the cerebral circulation) and the sucking force of the heart's right atrium. And in addition to the brain swelling under the pressure, the eyes, ears, face, sinuses, gums -- the entire head -- will become pressurized and the tissues congested with fluid!
There is one field of medicine that avidly studies this effect of gravity on physiology. That sub-specialty is Space Medicine. Astronauts in space are in a zero-gravity field, and it is known that this causes blood to shift to the head and brain, causing increased brain pressure and accompanying migraines, glaucoma, Meniere's disease, and other problems associated with a pressurized, congested brain. To study the negative effects of zero-gravity here on Earth, these space scientists have people lie down flat! However, since medicine is so wide a field, with sub-specialists learning more and more about less and less, there is little exchange of ideas between space medicine and Earth-bound medicine. Otherwise, someone would have realized that lying flat is what we do when we sleep. If it causes problems for astronauts, then couldn't it cause problems for everyone else?
We found out about this Space research while we performed our own research into sleep positions as a possible cause of migraines. We hypothesized that sleeping too flat for too long each night could lead to brain pressure and fluid accumulation (edema) within the brain tissue, with associated hypoxia and hypoglycemia. The brain cannot function well without proper amounts of oxygen or sugar, and this condition would be at its worst in the morning, which is when most migraines occur.
While migraines have been thought of as a pathological phenomenon, it is also possible that the migraine is the brain's defense mechanism to receive new blood along with sugar and oxygen. After all, the only way the brain can get what it needs is from the bloodstream, and during a migraine arteries to the head open up and send blood with force throughout the brain. Perhaps, we reasoned, the migraine is a type of emergency "brain flush", replacing old blood with new. If so, could we prevent migraines by having migraine sufferers sleep with their heads slightly elevated?
We tested our theory by having about 100 volunteer migraineurs sleep with the heads of their beds elevated, from 10-30 degrees. Head elevation, we theorized, would improve the brain circulation by providing some gravity assistance to drainage. Interestingly, we found that Space Medicine researchers discovered that brain circulation (and heart pumping) is optimal at a 30-degree head of bed elevation.
To our amazement, we found that the majority of the migraineurs in our study experienced relief by this simple sleep position change! Many had no new migraines, after being migraine sufferers for 30 or more years! The results were very fast, within a few days. And there were very interesting side effects, too. Our volunteers woke up more alert. Morning sinus congestion was significantly reduced for most people. Some reported that they no longer had certain allergies. Could we have discovered the real purpose and cause of migraines?
The implications of these findings were, frankly, astounding to us. So many diseases are related to increased brain pressure of "unknown" cause. Sleep position was never studied as the cause of this increased pressure. The implications go far beyond the prevention and treatment of migraines. Any condition that is related to brain pressure, and that is usually worse in the morning after a night of horizontal time, can be potentially related to this gravity and sleep position issue.
Keep in mind that the brain is the central nervous system controlling and modifying all bodily functions. If certain centers of the brain are congested and pressurized daily by sleeping too flat for long hours, those centers can malfunction. Depending on the way a person sleeps, the idiosyncrasies of their brain circulation, and other variables, different people might experience this brain pressure differently. For some, the respiratory centers of the hypothalamus might be particularly congested, resulting in Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (which has been associated with head and body position while sleeping), sleep apnea, or even asthma. Sleep apnea has been shown to be treatable with changes in sleep position.
Strokes are clearly associated with brain pressure, and usually occur at night or in the early morning, while sleeping. This is when brain pressure is highest.
Glaucoma is clearly caused by this mechanism. It is already known that eye pressure increases when the head is down, and decreases when the head is up. It is essential to note the head position when taking eye pressure readings because of this sensitive relationship between intraocular pressure and head position. Eye pressure is also highest in the early morning. Elevating the head while sleeping should be routine for glaucoma treatment and prevention.
Baggy eyes and sinus congestion seem to be related to head pressure. Just as the brain gets extra pressure when lying down, the head and face are pressurized, too. People with these problems usually find immediate relief by sleeping elevated 10-30 degrees.
Alzheimer's disease, we believe, might be the end disease caused by chronic brain congestion and pressure from flat sleeping. The cerebral ventricles of the Alzheimer's brain are expanded, suggesting a history of ventricular pressure, and generalized lesions along the ventricles may indicate areas of brain tissue that have deteriorated from this chronic pressure. Other research has already shown Alzheimer's is associated with increased brain pressure, but the cause has been considered unknown, as is the case with almost all brain pressure problems.
It should be noted that the blood-brain barrier cannot function properly when pressurized. Excessive intracranial pressure can cause leaks in this barrier by expanding the basement membrane, allowing heavy metals, e.g., aluminum and mercury, as well as viruses and bacteria, to enter the brain that would have otherwise been excluded. This may be why heavy metals have been associated with certain brain problems, such as Alzheimer's.
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is also known to be associated with congestion of the "impulse center" within the brain that helps control behavior. We found several children with ADHD experience profound improvement of self control by elevating their heads while sleeping.
In addition to head position relative to gravity, we also have found side or belly sleeping can create problems. For example, we found several cases of carpel tunnel syndrome related to sleeping on the hands or wrists, and shoulder pain from sleeping on the side. And keep in mind that head pressure increases, and drainage diminishes, when the head is rotated to the side. Sleeping on the back avoids compression of limbs and internal organs.
It is also interesting to note that patients with asymmetrical problems will typically be worse on the side they sleep on. For example, eye pathology will be worse in the eye on the side of the face that is slept on most. Ear infections will be worse on the "down" ear. You can also tell the side a person sleeps on by observing the shape of the nose. Apart from injuries, the nose should be symmetrical, but becomes curved away from the pillow because of sleeping on the side of the face and pressing on the nose for hours each night. The nose will point away from the side that is most slept on.
Men should be told that side sleeping may result in testicular compression and possible dysfunction. And women who sleep on their sides or stomachs subject their breasts to compression and impaired circulation. Side sleepers may have more breast trouble on the side they sleep on.
We should forewarn the practitioner, however, that, while the effect of elevating the head while sleeping will be dramatic and transformative for many patients and should be considered essential to disease prevention strategies, the fact is that many people resist changing their sleep behaviors. They have been conditioned to sleep a certain way since birth. And even when they want to change their sleep position, it's difficult to ensure compliance when the subject is unconscious! It takes tremendous will power to alter sleep behavior. But it is well worth the trouble, as people usually see within a week of sleeping elevated.
We found the best methods for head elevation include using more pillows, using a foam wedge, placing blocks under the legs of the bed frame at the head of the bed, or using an adjustable bed. While the ideal position is with the head from 10-30 degrees elevated, 10 degrees elevation is fine to start with. The legs should be slightly elevated, too, and the person should try to stay on his or her back as much as possible. The ideal position is one you would be in if leaning back in a recliner chair. (Recliners would be fine to use, too, but they usually give poor lower back support.) Also, be aware that some people will find one degree of elevation more comfortable than another. People with low blood pressure may need their heads lower than those with higher blood pressure. Others may have some neck and shoulder discomfort from the new position. However, by experimenting with pillows under the arms, underneath the buttocks (which prevents sliding down the bed), and under the feet and legs, the patient should find a comfortable solution.
Also, when taking in to effect patient history, realize that neck injuries and tight neck muscles can impair venous drainage of the brain by compression of the jugular veins by the tight muscles. Neck massage and spinal adjustments may help improve overall brain circulation. We have had a few case histories where there was little or no improvement from head elevation, but the subjects had a history of neck injuries.
Of course, there will be times when people feel lightheaded and need to lie down to get more blood to the head. It might also be better for people to sleep less at night and to make up for lost sleep with a nap, or a siesta, during the day. That would avoid extremes of high and low brain pressure. But our culture makes it necessary for most people to do all their sleeping at once. Sleeping, after all, is a cultural issue. The point is to be aware of how you feel, and realize that your body position relative to gravity may be a key factor affecting health and disease.
We are continuing to research this effect of gravity and sleep position on health, and encourage practitioners to communicate their patients' experiences with us. We also highly encourage you to read our book, Get It Up! Revealing the Simple Surprising Lifestyle that Causes Migraines, Alzheimer's, Stroke, Glaucoma, Sleep Apnea, Impotence, and More! (ISCD Press, 2001), where we discuss the profound implications of this theory, including a lengthy list of references about brain pressure and various diseases and the effect of gravity on brain circulation. After you see the evidence, you will probably be as amazed as we are that sleep research has been ignoring this critical aspect of sleep.
Sleeping too flat each day may be the greatest lifestyle mistake people are making in our culture. Some of the worst diseases of our time may be all in our bed!
For about two thirds of the time we are conscious beings, thinking about the world within and without, and negotiating our ways through the obstacles of life. For the other one third of the time we are nearly lifeless lumps of flesh, unconscious to everything but our own fantasies, as we lie flat in bed asleep. We all know that sleep is important for health. But for an activity that consumes about 8 hours of everyday of life, surprisingly little is thought about the act of sleeping, or the way our culture teaches us to sleep. Sleep behavior, like all human activities, is defined by our culture.
Sometimes, the practices taught by our culture can impact on the way our bodies function. As medical anthropologists, we research ways our cultural practices may be affecting our health. And we have found that the way we have been trained to sleep may be one of the most important causes of various diseases plaguing our society.
Of course, when you consider the culture of sleeping, it includes such isues as the length of time to sleep, and time of day for sleep. Do you take frequent naps or do you sleep 8 hours straight? Do you sleep at night or during the day?
Other issues concern sleepwear. Do you sleep nude, or with pajamas or lingerie? Do you sleep in your underwear? Should the sheets be natural fabrics, such as cotton or silk, or is polyester okay? What about the detergent and fabric softeners used in the sheets, pillow case, and pj's?
Should you eat before you sleep? What is the impact of watching television before sleep? Should you take sleeping pills to help you sleep?
These are some of the culturally defined issues that help determine how we sleep, all of which may have some potential impact on health. However, there is one cultural issue that tops the list of importance, and which may greatly determine your health status. It has to do with your sleep position. Are you sleeping on a firm, flat bed, face down, with your nose and eye compressed against the bed and pillow? Or are you on your back with your head slightly elevated, as is the case for many native cultures that use hammocks or other non-flat surfaces for sleep?
The reason we ask this last question is because the circulation to the head and brain is completely related to your body position when sleeping.
We all have had a time of experiencing dizziness or lightheadedness when getting out of bed too quickly. This effect is called orthostatic hypotension, and results from the fact that blood pressure falls when you lie down, and sudden raising of the head may temporarily deprive the brain of sufficient blood pressure, resulting in the dizziness or lightheadedness. The blood pressure soon rises, increasing the blood supply to the brain, as you feel normal again.
This phenomenon shows that the body's position, relative to gravity, influences head and brain circulation. You can also demonstrate this by doing a head stand, which many yoga practitioners do daily. Intracranial pressure rises dramatically, as blood rushes to the head, which becomes beet red, and the neck veins swell out, as blood pools in the venous system.
But apart from these examples, very little, if anything, is mentioned in medical physiology textbooks about gravity and its impact on circulation. Yet, you cannot fully understand brain circulation without considering gravity.
The effect of gravity on brain circulation is purely mechanical, and relates to the position of the head relative to the pumping heart. When we are standing up, the head is above the heart, so blood must pump against the force of gravity -- from the heart to the brain -- lowering the effective pressure with which the arterial blood is delivered to the brain. Meanwhile, drainage of blood from the brain to the heart is facilitated by the pull of gravity.
In contrast, when we lie down and are horizontal, the heart and head are now on the same plane. This eliminates the effects of gravity on brain circulation. Blood from the heart pumps powerfully into the head without gravity's resistance, increasing intracranial pressure. And blood returning from the brain to the heart must do so without gravity's assistance, causing a back-up of blood in the brain.
Essentially, intracranial pressure increases, and overall brain circulation diminishes, when you are lying flat compared to standing up.
Of course, the body is intelligent and has mechanisms for controlling brain pressure under different gravity situations. When the brain gets pressurized from lying down, there are various pressure receptors in the head and neck designed to lower blood pressure, thereby preventing too much brain pressure and the possibility of blowing a blood vessel or creating a cerebral aneurysm. This is why blood pressure is lower when we are sleeping, and horizontal.
But these brain mechanisms for adjusting pressure have their limits. As we go through the day in a vertical position, gravity relentlessly pulls our body's fluids downwards, which is why many people have swollen feet and ankles by day's end. Once we lie down, the gravity effect is lost, as fluid leaves the legs and returns to the head. So despite our brains normal defense mechanisms, throughout the night intracranial pressure increases and is highest in the morning, after hours of lying flat, and lowest at the end of the day, after hours of being vertical.
What happens when intracranial pressure is high from long periods of lying flat? The increased arterial pressure causes extra cerebral spinal fluid to form in the brain's ventricles, increasing intracranial fluid pressure. The ventricles swell and the cells of the brain become bathed in excess fluid, essentially causing brain edema. This edema would lower the available oxygen and sugar for brain cells. The lack of gravity assisted drainage from the brain would cause a back-up of blood in the venous system and collecting sinuses in the brain. The brain's circulation would become relatively stagnant, as the only force moving blood through would be the pushing force of the arterial pressure (which is greatly reduced after going through the cerebral circulation) and the sucking force of the heart's right atrium. And in addition to the brain swelling under the pressure, the eyes, ears, face, sinuses, gums -- the entire head -- will become pressurized and the tissues congested with fluid!
There is one field of medicine that avidly studies this effect of gravity on physiology. That sub-specialty is Space Medicine. Astronauts in space are in a zero-gravity field, and it is known that this causes blood to shift to the head and brain, causing increased brain pressure and accompanying migraines, glaucoma, Meniere's disease, and other problems associated with a pressurized, congested brain. To study the negative effects of zero-gravity here on Earth, these space scientists have people lie down flat! However, since medicine is so wide a field, with sub-specialists learning more and more about less and less, there is little exchange of ideas between space medicine and Earth-bound medicine. Otherwise, someone would have realized that lying flat is what we do when we sleep. If it causes problems for astronauts, then couldn't it cause problems for everyone else?
We found out about this Space research while we performed our own research into sleep positions as a possible cause of migraines. We hypothesized that sleeping too flat for too long each night could lead to brain pressure and fluid accumulation (edema) within the brain tissue, with associated hypoxia and hypoglycemia. The brain cannot function well without proper amounts of oxygen or sugar, and this condition would be at its worst in the morning, which is when most migraines occur.
While migraines have been thought of as a pathological phenomenon, it is also possible that the migraine is the brain's defense mechanism to receive new blood along with sugar and oxygen. After all, the only way the brain can get what it needs is from the bloodstream, and during a migraine arteries to the head open up and send blood with force throughout the brain. Perhaps, we reasoned, the migraine is a type of emergency "brain flush", replacing old blood with new. If so, could we prevent migraines by having migraine sufferers sleep with their heads slightly elevated?
We tested our theory by having about 100 volunteer migraineurs sleep with the heads of their beds elevated, from 10-30 degrees. Head elevation, we theorized, would improve the brain circulation by providing some gravity assistance to drainage. Interestingly, we found that Space Medicine researchers discovered that brain circulation (and heart pumping) is optimal at a 30-degree head of bed elevation.
To our amazement, we found that the majority of the migraineurs in our study experienced relief by this simple sleep position change! Many had no new migraines, after being migraine sufferers for 30 or more years! The results were very fast, within a few days. And there were very interesting side effects, too. Our volunteers woke up more alert. Morning sinus congestion was significantly reduced for most people. Some reported that they no longer had certain allergies. Could we have discovered the real purpose and cause of migraines?
The implications of these findings were, frankly, astounding to us. So many diseases are related to increased brain pressure of "unknown" cause. Sleep position was never studied as the cause of this increased pressure. The implications go far beyond the prevention and treatment of migraines. Any condition that is related to brain pressure, and that is usually worse in the morning after a night of horizontal time, can be potentially related to this gravity and sleep position issue.
Keep in mind that the brain is the central nervous system controlling and modifying all bodily functions. If certain centers of the brain are congested and pressurized daily by sleeping too flat for long hours, those centers can malfunction. Depending on the way a person sleeps, the idiosyncrasies of their brain circulation, and other variables, different people might experience this brain pressure differently. For some, the respiratory centers of the hypothalamus might be particularly congested, resulting in Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (which has been associated with head and body position while sleeping), sleep apnea, or even asthma. Sleep apnea has been shown to be treatable with changes in sleep position.
Strokes are clearly associated with brain pressure, and usually occur at night or in the early morning, while sleeping. This is when brain pressure is highest.
Glaucoma is clearly caused by this mechanism. It is already known that eye pressure increases when the head is down, and decreases when the head is up. It is essential to note the head position when taking eye pressure readings because of this sensitive relationship between intraocular pressure and head position. Eye pressure is also highest in the early morning. Elevating the head while sleeping should be routine for glaucoma treatment and prevention.
Baggy eyes and sinus congestion seem to be related to head pressure. Just as the brain gets extra pressure when lying down, the head and face are pressurized, too. People with these problems usually find immediate relief by sleeping elevated 10-30 degrees.
Alzheimer's disease, we believe, might be the end disease caused by chronic brain congestion and pressure from flat sleeping. The cerebral ventricles of the Alzheimer's brain are expanded, suggesting a history of ventricular pressure, and generalized lesions along the ventricles may indicate areas of brain tissue that have deteriorated from this chronic pressure. Other research has already shown Alzheimer's is associated with increased brain pressure, but the cause has been considered unknown, as is the case with almost all brain pressure problems.
It should be noted that the blood-brain barrier cannot function properly when pressurized. Excessive intracranial pressure can cause leaks in this barrier by expanding the basement membrane, allowing heavy metals, e.g., aluminum and mercury, as well as viruses and bacteria, to enter the brain that would have otherwise been excluded. This may be why heavy metals have been associated with certain brain problems, such as Alzheimer's.
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is also known to be associated with congestion of the "impulse center" within the brain that helps control behavior. We found several children with ADHD experience profound improvement of self control by elevating their heads while sleeping.
In addition to head position relative to gravity, we also have found side or belly sleeping can create problems. For example, we found several cases of carpel tunnel syndrome related to sleeping on the hands or wrists, and shoulder pain from sleeping on the side. And keep in mind that head pressure increases, and drainage diminishes, when the head is rotated to the side. Sleeping on the back avoids compression of limbs and internal organs.
It is also interesting to note that patients with asymmetrical problems will typically be worse on the side they sleep on. For example, eye pathology will be worse in the eye on the side of the face that is slept on most. Ear infections will be worse on the "down" ear. You can also tell the side a person sleeps on by observing the shape of the nose. Apart from injuries, the nose should be symmetrical, but becomes curved away from the pillow because of sleeping on the side of the face and pressing on the nose for hours each night. The nose will point away from the side that is most slept on.
Men should be told that side sleeping may result in testicular compression and possible dysfunction. And women who sleep on their sides or stomachs subject their breasts to compression and impaired circulation. Side sleepers may have more breast trouble on the side they sleep on.
We should forewarn the practitioner, however, that, while the effect of elevating the head while sleeping will be dramatic and transformative for many patients and should be considered essential to disease prevention strategies, the fact is that many people resist changing their sleep behaviors. They have been conditioned to sleep a certain way since birth. And even when they want to change their sleep position, it's difficult to ensure compliance when the subject is unconscious! It takes tremendous will power to alter sleep behavior. But it is well worth the trouble, as people usually see within a week of sleeping elevated.
We found the best methods for head elevation include using more pillows, using a foam wedge, placing blocks under the legs of the bed frame at the head of the bed, or using an adjustable bed. While the ideal position is with the head from 10-30 degrees elevated, 10 degrees elevation is fine to start with. The legs should be slightly elevated, too, and the person should try to stay on his or her back as much as possible. The ideal position is one you would be in if leaning back in a recliner chair. (Recliners would be fine to use, too, but they usually give poor lower back support.) Also, be aware that some people will find one degree of elevation more comfortable than another. People with low blood pressure may need their heads lower than those with higher blood pressure. Others may have some neck and shoulder discomfort from the new position. However, by experimenting with pillows under the arms, underneath the buttocks (which prevents sliding down the bed), and under the feet and legs, the patient should find a comfortable solution.
Also, when taking in to effect patient history, realize that neck injuries and tight neck muscles can impair venous drainage of the brain by compression of the jugular veins by the tight muscles. Neck massage and spinal adjustments may help improve overall brain circulation. We have had a few case histories where there was little or no improvement from head elevation, but the subjects had a history of neck injuries.
Of course, there will be times when people feel lightheaded and need to lie down to get more blood to the head. It might also be better for people to sleep less at night and to make up for lost sleep with a nap, or a siesta, during the day. That would avoid extremes of high and low brain pressure. But our culture makes it necessary for most people to do all their sleeping at once. Sleeping, after all, is a cultural issue. The point is to be aware of how you feel, and realize that your body position relative to gravity may be a key factor affecting health and disease.
We are continuing to research this effect of gravity and sleep position on health, and encourage practitioners to communicate their patients' experiences with us. We also highly encourage you to read our book, Get It Up! Revealing the Simple Surprising Lifestyle that Causes Migraines, Alzheimer's, Stroke, Glaucoma, Sleep Apnea, Impotence, and More! (ISCD Press, 2001), where we discuss the profound implications of this theory, including a lengthy list of references about brain pressure and various diseases and the effect of gravity on brain circulation. After you see the evidence, you will probably be as amazed as we are that sleep research has been ignoring this critical aspect of sleep.
Sleeping too flat each day may be the greatest lifestyle mistake people are making in our culture. Some of the worst diseases of our time may be all in our bed!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Battling The Stigma of Mental Illness
It's difficult enough to cope with mental health issues without having to cope with other people's ideas of who you are. Yet people with mental health disorders of all kinds continue to be viewed by many Americans as being weak-willed, having a character flaw, or worse-being "crazy," incompetent, or even violent. Such misperceptions are part of the stigma of mental illnesses.
Defined as a mark of shame, disgrace or disapproval that is imposed on people with a mental illness by others, stigma may have many consequences, including rejection by family, broken friendships, low self-esteem or job discrimination. Reversing negative perceptions of anxiety disorders has been a long-term goal of the Anxiety Disorders Association of America. "People with anxiety disorders have in the past been perceived as the 'the worried well,' but this is misleading, anxiety disorders are real illnesses," says Jerilyn Ross, M.A., L.I.C.S.W., President and CEO of the ADAA. "If we say someone is 'just very shy' in social situations or 'is imagining things' when having a panic attack, we stigmatize them as individuals and deny their suffering."
Stigma HurtsUnfortunately, stigma is still with us in the 21st century. A landmark study by the Indiana Consortium for Mental Health Services Research (ICMHSR) looked at public attitudes toward mental illnesses between 1950-1996 and concluded that, "there is little evidence that the stigma of mental illness has been reduced in contemporary American society." And stigma hurts. That same historical study showed that even in the late '90s, "levels of social rejection remain distressingly high" for people with a mental illness:
•The number of people who associate mental illnesses with antisocial behavior doubled between 1950 and 1996.•68% would be "definitely" or "probably unwilling" to have someone with a mental illness marry into their family.• 58% would be "definitely" or "probably unwilling" to work closely on the job with someone with a mental illness.• 56% would be "definitely" or "probably unwilling" to spend an evening socializing with a person with a mental illness.
But while surveys can be useful in gauging attitudes of society at large, it is the effect of stigma on individual lives that most concerns researchers like Otto F. Wahl, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia. "If we are going to truly eradicate stigma, we need to have a more concrete, practical and personalized understanding of its effects-that is, how stigma makes people feel and how it affects treatment and recovery," he says.
Dr. Wahl has collected the experiences of almost 1,400 consumers of mental health services to get a first-hand account of the effect of stigma. The results, compiled in the book Telling is Risky Business: Mental Health Consumers Confront Stigma, demonstrate how deeply some are wounded by stigma (see box, below). For example, the survey revealed that those with a mental illness often or very often avoided telling others that they have a mental illness (47%); worried that others will view them unfavorably (56%); have been treated unfairly (46%); and have been shunned or avoided by others (26%).
In addition to the social effects, stigma can have negative and long-lasting consequences on self-esteem. "Stigma may become internalized, and the individual may come to share the same beliefs as others and view themselves in similarly disparaging ways," says Dr. Wahl. Indeed, stigma can be worse than the illness itself. "There's no doubt many struggle with a double burden-the disabling effects of their condition and the equally disabling effects of prejudice," says Jean Arnold, co-creator of the National Stigma Clearinghouse.
The Role of the MediaThe media remain the public's most influential source of information on mental illnesses. Unfortunately, many of the stories and programs we hear and read contain inaccuracies and denigrate those with mental illnesses. "The media, especially television, are a very powerful socializing agent," says Dr. Wahl, who has studied media depiction of mental illnesses. "Because almost every household in America has a television set, everyone-rich, poor, educated, uneducated, urban, rural-gets the same message about mental illnesses. Thus, the negative messages and violent images can become pervasive throughout society."
Negative socialization regarding stigma may begin at an early age. Until 2000, no studies had been published on the mental health content of children's programming. The first, a study of children's television programming in New Zealand and the U.S., concluded "the frequent and casual use of fundamentally disrespectful vocabulary [such as 'nuts,' 'wacko,' and 'freaky' in episodes reviewed] demonstrate for children that such expressions are acceptable or even funny.
Particularly disturbing is the media's perpetuation of the mentally ill as violent and dangerous. "Mental illness is a common theme in movies, television, plays and books," says Ms. Arnold, whose clearinghouse keeps tabs on instances of stigma in the media. "Regrettably, many of those portrayals are extremely negative and skewed toward making people with mental illnesses seem violent." Over 70% of major characters with a mental illness in prime time television dramas are portrayed as violent; more than one fifth are shown as killers. The typical newspaper depiction of individuals with mental illnesses shows them to be psychotic, unemployed, transient, and dangerous-not as happy, productive members of a family or community.
Changing these stereotypes will take time, but Dr. Wahl offers three strategies for the future:1. educating those responsible for media depictions of mental illnesses, such as screenwriters and news reporters;2. reaching future writers, editors and producers through training curricula; and3. engaging in grassroots advocacy to create pressure on media organizations to change media stereotyping.
Making ProgressNot all the news is bad. First, anecdotal and some empirical evidence exists that the media is changing their portrayals of mental illnesses. A 1999 content analysis comparing newspaper coverage of mental illnesses in 1989 and 1999 showed the ratio of negative depictions to positive ones to be 2:1 in 1999, down considerably from a 4:1 ratio in 1989. "However that still means that mental illnesses and people with mental illnesses are being portrayed in a negative light twice as often as a positive one," says Dr. Wahl, one of the study's authors.
Second, on a broader scale, the ICMHSR survey revealed that Americans' understanding of mental illnesses has broadened over the last five decades to encompass a wide range of disorders, including anxiety, depression and substance abuse. The public also sees a combination of factors-life stressors, genetics and chemical imbalances-as the cause of mental illnesses rather than a bad character or bad parenting. "Another positive trend affecting both patients and the public is a hopeful attitude toward recovery, says Jean Arnold. The ICMHSR survey showed that Americans increasingly recognize that mental health problems will improve if treated.
Third, the number of anti-stigma reports, conferences and organizations is on the rise. "There's been more activity on this issue in the last five years than in the previous 20," says Ms. Arnold. "For example, when we started the National Stigma Clearinghouse, there really wasn't any other organization monitoring media coverage of mental illnesses. Now the clearinghouse website has links to 40 different groups that give a high priority to fighting prejudice and discrimination."
Combating StigmaBy its nature, stigma puts people into categories. This conveniently relieves one of the burdens of seeing people as individuals and treating them as such. Thus, fighting stigma is best achieved by personalizing it. This means speaking up about its effects on you as someone with an anxiety disorder, speaking out when you hear incorrect or negative statements, and speaking with others to find common ground for recovery and advocacy efforts (see below, "What You Can Do to Fight Stigma"). "We took this approach in the Clearinghouse," says Ms. Arnold. "For the first time, we gave people a voice and a way to take concrete action. And it's very satisfying indeed to respond to the stigmatizer." Between 1990 and 1996, the Clearinghouse published 64 monthly reports with hundreds of examples of stigma submitted by media watchers. This watchdog function has been taken over by National Alliance of the Mentally Ill's Stigma Alerts program and the National Mental Health Association's Stigma Watch.
Although much of the research conducted on stigma relates to schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and depression, mental health advocates encourage thinking of stigma as an issue that touches all of us. Anxiety disorders, for example, occur very frequently with other psychiatric illnesses, including depression and substance abuse. "Stigma applied to one person or one psychiatric disorder is a stigma applied to everyone with a mental illness," says Ross. "And it's up to each of us to fight it where we can."
For more information on fighting stigma:
•Anxiety Disorders Association of America's Advocacy Centerwww.adaa.org
•National Association for the Mentally Illwww.nami.org
•National Mental Health Association's Stigma Watchwww.nmha.org/newsroom/stigma/index.cfm
•National Mental Health Awareness Campaignwww.nostigma.org
•National Stigma Clearinghousehttp://community-2.webtv.net/stigmanet/STIGMAHOMEPAGE/index.html
Defined as a mark of shame, disgrace or disapproval that is imposed on people with a mental illness by others, stigma may have many consequences, including rejection by family, broken friendships, low self-esteem or job discrimination. Reversing negative perceptions of anxiety disorders has been a long-term goal of the Anxiety Disorders Association of America. "People with anxiety disorders have in the past been perceived as the 'the worried well,' but this is misleading, anxiety disorders are real illnesses," says Jerilyn Ross, M.A., L.I.C.S.W., President and CEO of the ADAA. "If we say someone is 'just very shy' in social situations or 'is imagining things' when having a panic attack, we stigmatize them as individuals and deny their suffering."
Stigma HurtsUnfortunately, stigma is still with us in the 21st century. A landmark study by the Indiana Consortium for Mental Health Services Research (ICMHSR) looked at public attitudes toward mental illnesses between 1950-1996 and concluded that, "there is little evidence that the stigma of mental illness has been reduced in contemporary American society." And stigma hurts. That same historical study showed that even in the late '90s, "levels of social rejection remain distressingly high" for people with a mental illness:
•The number of people who associate mental illnesses with antisocial behavior doubled between 1950 and 1996.•68% would be "definitely" or "probably unwilling" to have someone with a mental illness marry into their family.• 58% would be "definitely" or "probably unwilling" to work closely on the job with someone with a mental illness.• 56% would be "definitely" or "probably unwilling" to spend an evening socializing with a person with a mental illness.
But while surveys can be useful in gauging attitudes of society at large, it is the effect of stigma on individual lives that most concerns researchers like Otto F. Wahl, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia. "If we are going to truly eradicate stigma, we need to have a more concrete, practical and personalized understanding of its effects-that is, how stigma makes people feel and how it affects treatment and recovery," he says.
Dr. Wahl has collected the experiences of almost 1,400 consumers of mental health services to get a first-hand account of the effect of stigma. The results, compiled in the book Telling is Risky Business: Mental Health Consumers Confront Stigma, demonstrate how deeply some are wounded by stigma (see box, below). For example, the survey revealed that those with a mental illness often or very often avoided telling others that they have a mental illness (47%); worried that others will view them unfavorably (56%); have been treated unfairly (46%); and have been shunned or avoided by others (26%).
In addition to the social effects, stigma can have negative and long-lasting consequences on self-esteem. "Stigma may become internalized, and the individual may come to share the same beliefs as others and view themselves in similarly disparaging ways," says Dr. Wahl. Indeed, stigma can be worse than the illness itself. "There's no doubt many struggle with a double burden-the disabling effects of their condition and the equally disabling effects of prejudice," says Jean Arnold, co-creator of the National Stigma Clearinghouse.
The Role of the MediaThe media remain the public's most influential source of information on mental illnesses. Unfortunately, many of the stories and programs we hear and read contain inaccuracies and denigrate those with mental illnesses. "The media, especially television, are a very powerful socializing agent," says Dr. Wahl, who has studied media depiction of mental illnesses. "Because almost every household in America has a television set, everyone-rich, poor, educated, uneducated, urban, rural-gets the same message about mental illnesses. Thus, the negative messages and violent images can become pervasive throughout society."
Negative socialization regarding stigma may begin at an early age. Until 2000, no studies had been published on the mental health content of children's programming. The first, a study of children's television programming in New Zealand and the U.S., concluded "the frequent and casual use of fundamentally disrespectful vocabulary [such as 'nuts,' 'wacko,' and 'freaky' in episodes reviewed] demonstrate for children that such expressions are acceptable or even funny.
Particularly disturbing is the media's perpetuation of the mentally ill as violent and dangerous. "Mental illness is a common theme in movies, television, plays and books," says Ms. Arnold, whose clearinghouse keeps tabs on instances of stigma in the media. "Regrettably, many of those portrayals are extremely negative and skewed toward making people with mental illnesses seem violent." Over 70% of major characters with a mental illness in prime time television dramas are portrayed as violent; more than one fifth are shown as killers. The typical newspaper depiction of individuals with mental illnesses shows them to be psychotic, unemployed, transient, and dangerous-not as happy, productive members of a family or community.
Changing these stereotypes will take time, but Dr. Wahl offers three strategies for the future:1. educating those responsible for media depictions of mental illnesses, such as screenwriters and news reporters;2. reaching future writers, editors and producers through training curricula; and3. engaging in grassroots advocacy to create pressure on media organizations to change media stereotyping.
Making ProgressNot all the news is bad. First, anecdotal and some empirical evidence exists that the media is changing their portrayals of mental illnesses. A 1999 content analysis comparing newspaper coverage of mental illnesses in 1989 and 1999 showed the ratio of negative depictions to positive ones to be 2:1 in 1999, down considerably from a 4:1 ratio in 1989. "However that still means that mental illnesses and people with mental illnesses are being portrayed in a negative light twice as often as a positive one," says Dr. Wahl, one of the study's authors.
Second, on a broader scale, the ICMHSR survey revealed that Americans' understanding of mental illnesses has broadened over the last five decades to encompass a wide range of disorders, including anxiety, depression and substance abuse. The public also sees a combination of factors-life stressors, genetics and chemical imbalances-as the cause of mental illnesses rather than a bad character or bad parenting. "Another positive trend affecting both patients and the public is a hopeful attitude toward recovery, says Jean Arnold. The ICMHSR survey showed that Americans increasingly recognize that mental health problems will improve if treated.
Third, the number of anti-stigma reports, conferences and organizations is on the rise. "There's been more activity on this issue in the last five years than in the previous 20," says Ms. Arnold. "For example, when we started the National Stigma Clearinghouse, there really wasn't any other organization monitoring media coverage of mental illnesses. Now the clearinghouse website has links to 40 different groups that give a high priority to fighting prejudice and discrimination."
Combating StigmaBy its nature, stigma puts people into categories. This conveniently relieves one of the burdens of seeing people as individuals and treating them as such. Thus, fighting stigma is best achieved by personalizing it. This means speaking up about its effects on you as someone with an anxiety disorder, speaking out when you hear incorrect or negative statements, and speaking with others to find common ground for recovery and advocacy efforts (see below, "What You Can Do to Fight Stigma"). "We took this approach in the Clearinghouse," says Ms. Arnold. "For the first time, we gave people a voice and a way to take concrete action. And it's very satisfying indeed to respond to the stigmatizer." Between 1990 and 1996, the Clearinghouse published 64 monthly reports with hundreds of examples of stigma submitted by media watchers. This watchdog function has been taken over by National Alliance of the Mentally Ill's Stigma Alerts program and the National Mental Health Association's Stigma Watch.
Although much of the research conducted on stigma relates to schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and depression, mental health advocates encourage thinking of stigma as an issue that touches all of us. Anxiety disorders, for example, occur very frequently with other psychiatric illnesses, including depression and substance abuse. "Stigma applied to one person or one psychiatric disorder is a stigma applied to everyone with a mental illness," says Ross. "And it's up to each of us to fight it where we can."
For more information on fighting stigma:
•Anxiety Disorders Association of America's Advocacy Centerwww.adaa.org
•National Association for the Mentally Illwww.nami.org
•National Mental Health Association's Stigma Watchwww.nmha.org/newsroom/stigma/index.cfm
•National Mental Health Awareness Campaignwww.nostigma.org
•National Stigma Clearinghousehttp://community-2.webtv.net/stigmanet/STIGMAHOMEPAGE/index.html
Friday, November 20, 2009
Principled Living
People without principles are like boats without rudders and cars without steering wheels. Their direction in life is aimless and their decisions are haphazard. However, when principles occupy the center of your life, they help you arrive quickly at the right decision when opportunities open or crises loom.
When your life is centered on pleasing other people, the important thing to you is what others want. When it's centered on possessions, the important thing is what you have.When it's centered on activities, the important thing is what you do.
But when your life is centered on principles, you are being true to yourself. Your principles can be like a compass, quickly pointing in the right direction when a crisis arrives. A principle is like an anchor, providing a source of steadiness amid tumultuous circumstances. And they can be like the nozzle of a hose-directing the stream of your thoughts and efforts in a purposeful way while concentrating their power on the things that matter.
Successful people don't lie awake at night agonizing over decisions and the direction of their lives. They simply consult their principles. They make decisions that are in harmony with these principles. They don't second-guess themselves and seldom reverse themselves.
You can choose the principles you want to guide you by first identifying the values you hold dear. First, think of the roles that are important to you in your family life, vocational life, community life, and religious life. Now think of the people, activities, and qualities you value in each role.
For each value, write a supporting principle. Make it personal. State it in the form of a sentence describing yourself as you would like to be, in the light of these values. Do this for each of the roles that are important to you. For example, if one of your values is financial prosperity, you might write as your supporting principles:
I never miss an opportunity to upgrade my career qualifications.
I take intelligent risks in investing my time and resources.
I look for ways to enhance the perceived value of my products or services in the eyes of potential customers or clients.
When you have identified the principles you want to guide your life, use them in measuring each possible career and role choice. When you have found a pursuit that conforms to your basic principles while allowing you to do what you do best and enjoy most, you will have found your ideal calling.
Go for it!
When your life is centered on pleasing other people, the important thing to you is what others want. When it's centered on possessions, the important thing is what you have.When it's centered on activities, the important thing is what you do.
But when your life is centered on principles, you are being true to yourself. Your principles can be like a compass, quickly pointing in the right direction when a crisis arrives. A principle is like an anchor, providing a source of steadiness amid tumultuous circumstances. And they can be like the nozzle of a hose-directing the stream of your thoughts and efforts in a purposeful way while concentrating their power on the things that matter.
Successful people don't lie awake at night agonizing over decisions and the direction of their lives. They simply consult their principles. They make decisions that are in harmony with these principles. They don't second-guess themselves and seldom reverse themselves.
You can choose the principles you want to guide you by first identifying the values you hold dear. First, think of the roles that are important to you in your family life, vocational life, community life, and religious life. Now think of the people, activities, and qualities you value in each role.
For each value, write a supporting principle. Make it personal. State it in the form of a sentence describing yourself as you would like to be, in the light of these values. Do this for each of the roles that are important to you. For example, if one of your values is financial prosperity, you might write as your supporting principles:
I never miss an opportunity to upgrade my career qualifications.
I take intelligent risks in investing my time and resources.
I look for ways to enhance the perceived value of my products or services in the eyes of potential customers or clients.
When you have identified the principles you want to guide your life, use them in measuring each possible career and role choice. When you have found a pursuit that conforms to your basic principles while allowing you to do what you do best and enjoy most, you will have found your ideal calling.
Go for it!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Depression: A Problem That Affects The Whole Body
While many people do go through times in their lives when they feel disheartened, sad and stressed. Depression is much more than feelings of sadness. If feelings turn into hopelessness, suicidal thoughts or last for more than a few days, you may be suffering from depression. Depression is a problem that affects the body as a whole and can lead to a variety of other problems, as well. There are a variety of medications and therapies that can help people who are dealing with depression, but, sometimes, it is important to identify the cause of the depression first.
There are a variety of different causes for depression and different causes will require different treatments.GeneticsOne cause of depression may actually be in your genes. Many studies have shown that depression can be a genetic problem that is inherited. Often, bouts of depression will run in the family and if the genetics are studied, there are slight variations in genetic make-up that seem to correspond with the problems of depression and Bipolar Disorder in particular.
External ProblemsMany times, there are external problems that are actually the cause of depression. Many times, depression can start out as grief for a loved one or frustration over a chronic illness. Often, dealing with losing a job or the breakup of a relationship can cause people to go into depression as well. Financial stress is another external problem that can lead to depression. It is important to note that, many times, it is a combination of these external problems with other problems that lead to an episode of depression.
Chemical Imbalances: Another cause of depression can be a chemical imbalance within the body. The chemicals in the brain are very important and having too much or not enough of these chemicals can lead to psychological problems, including depression.
Two specific neurotransmitters that seem to be connected with depression are norepinephrine and serotonin. Cortisol, which is a hormone produced in the body, has also been linked to depression and often, too much cortisol is found in people who are suffering from depression.
Depression is a serious problem and no matter what is causing depression in your life or in the life of someone you love, it is important that you get professional help. There is help available for those who are dealing with depression and often, the type of help will be determined by the cause of depression. It is important to know that you are not alone and that there is assistance for those dealing with this difficult disease.
There are a variety of different causes for depression and different causes will require different treatments.GeneticsOne cause of depression may actually be in your genes. Many studies have shown that depression can be a genetic problem that is inherited. Often, bouts of depression will run in the family and if the genetics are studied, there are slight variations in genetic make-up that seem to correspond with the problems of depression and Bipolar Disorder in particular.
External ProblemsMany times, there are external problems that are actually the cause of depression. Many times, depression can start out as grief for a loved one or frustration over a chronic illness. Often, dealing with losing a job or the breakup of a relationship can cause people to go into depression as well. Financial stress is another external problem that can lead to depression. It is important to note that, many times, it is a combination of these external problems with other problems that lead to an episode of depression.
Chemical Imbalances: Another cause of depression can be a chemical imbalance within the body. The chemicals in the brain are very important and having too much or not enough of these chemicals can lead to psychological problems, including depression.
Two specific neurotransmitters that seem to be connected with depression are norepinephrine and serotonin. Cortisol, which is a hormone produced in the body, has also been linked to depression and often, too much cortisol is found in people who are suffering from depression.
Depression is a serious problem and no matter what is causing depression in your life or in the life of someone you love, it is important that you get professional help. There is help available for those who are dealing with depression and often, the type of help will be determined by the cause of depression. It is important to know that you are not alone and that there is assistance for those dealing with this difficult disease.
How To Stop Panic Attacks
There is a lot of advice on how to stop panic attacks naturally; e.g. deep breathing, no caffeine or nicotine, a good night's sleep, regular exercise, etc. But, although they all have a part to play, they don't address the critical element in how to stop panic attacks naturally, which is your 'fear' of another attack. You will learn here why you need to eliminate your fear in order to prevent further attacks.
Why is your fear of another attack so important in stopping panic attacks (anxiety attacks)?
Someone who suffers anxiety attacks will also have higher general anxiety levels than the average person. When the average person is faced with a normal, everyday stressful situation, they are able to deal with it. But when someone with higher-than-normal levels of anxiety is faced with such a stressful event, that stress can push their already heightened anxiety levels over the top, resulting in an anxiety attack.
Now the attack symptoms are just so devastating that no one who has ever had one wants a repeat performance. So they carry around this -- sometimes unconscious -- fear that they might have another attack at anytime. This adds to their already higher-than-normal anxiety so that the next stressor that occurs triggers another panic attack. This is a vicious anxiety cycle, and, your fear is the key element.
How can I break out of this vicious cycle of anxiety?
Because the cycle can be described like this... anxiety >> attack >> fear >> increased anxiety >> attack >> fear >> increased anxiety >> etc., you can see that by eliminating your fear you 'break' the anxiety cycle. When you do this, you stop panic attacks and, because you aren't adding to your general anxiety anymore, you can get on with curing your general anxiety.
Can drug-based treatment break the anxiety cycle?
Not really, because these drugs -- e.g. tranquilizers, antidepressants, beta blockers, etc. -- are concerned with controlling and managing your 'mood' in the main. Only you can face your fear of panic attacks head-on and remove it.
How can I eliminate my fear and stop panic attacks naturally then?
The key is to confront your fear and gain control. Don't let your fear determine the outcome. There are ways to do this, and they might take some practice, but, there are techniques you can use to help you, one of which is the 'ONE MOVE' technique that is highlighted below.
Why is your fear of another attack so important in stopping panic attacks (anxiety attacks)?
Someone who suffers anxiety attacks will also have higher general anxiety levels than the average person. When the average person is faced with a normal, everyday stressful situation, they are able to deal with it. But when someone with higher-than-normal levels of anxiety is faced with such a stressful event, that stress can push their already heightened anxiety levels over the top, resulting in an anxiety attack.
Now the attack symptoms are just so devastating that no one who has ever had one wants a repeat performance. So they carry around this -- sometimes unconscious -- fear that they might have another attack at anytime. This adds to their already higher-than-normal anxiety so that the next stressor that occurs triggers another panic attack. This is a vicious anxiety cycle, and, your fear is the key element.
How can I break out of this vicious cycle of anxiety?
Because the cycle can be described like this... anxiety >> attack >> fear >> increased anxiety >> attack >> fear >> increased anxiety >> etc., you can see that by eliminating your fear you 'break' the anxiety cycle. When you do this, you stop panic attacks and, because you aren't adding to your general anxiety anymore, you can get on with curing your general anxiety.
Can drug-based treatment break the anxiety cycle?
Not really, because these drugs -- e.g. tranquilizers, antidepressants, beta blockers, etc. -- are concerned with controlling and managing your 'mood' in the main. Only you can face your fear of panic attacks head-on and remove it.
How can I eliminate my fear and stop panic attacks naturally then?
The key is to confront your fear and gain control. Don't let your fear determine the outcome. There are ways to do this, and they might take some practice, but, there are techniques you can use to help you, one of which is the 'ONE MOVE' technique that is highlighted below.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Insomnia & Dialectical Behavioral Therapy
Many people advocate CBT or Cognative Behavioral Therapy for insomnia. But I am in a program using DBT or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy to help me get some zzzz's. I started in Boston at Harvard, and now am at a program for 5 more weeks close to my home on Tues, Wed and Thurs from 9:30 AM until 12:30 PM. It is working quite well. Got up today at 7:30 on a SATURDAY went to bed at midnight without the use of drugs. So what is DBT? It was first credited to Dr. Marsha Linehan who came uo with the principles of DBT for Borderline Personality Disorder patients, but it is now used for Bipolar and yes SLEEP! And it works!! I am amazed, I was the biggest skeptic.
DBT combines standard cognitive-behavioral techniques for emotion regulation and reality-testing with concepts of mindful awareness, distress tolerance, and acceptance largely derived from Buddhist meditative practice. DBT is the first therapy that has been experimentally demonstrated to be effective for treating BPD. Research indicates that DBT is also effective in treating patients who represent varied symptoms and behaviors associated with spectrum mood disorders, including self-injury. Linehan created DBT in response to her observation of therapist burnout after repudiating patients’ motivation to cooperate in successful treatment. Her first core insight was to recognize that the chronically (para)suicidal patients she studied had been raised in profoundly invalidating environments and required a climate of unconditional acceptance (not Carl Rogers’ humanistically "positive" version, but Thich Nhat Hanh’s metaphysically neutral one) in which to develop a successful therapeutic alliance. Her second insight concerned the need for a commensurate commitment from patients to (be willing to) change—subject to their skillfulness in the present moment--based on 'radical acceptance' of their dire level of emotional dysfunction.
Linehan united commitment to the core conditions of acceptance and change through the Hegelian principle of dialectical progress, in which thesis + antithesis → synthesis, and proceeded to assemble a modular array of skills for emotional self-regulation, drawn from Western (e.g., CBT and an interpersonal variant, “assertiveness training”) and Eastern (e.g., Buddhist mindfulness meditation) psychological traditions. Arguably her signal contribution was to elide the adversarial paradigm implicit in the hierarchical modernist therapeutic alliance, using the deconstructive spirit of Hegel and the Buddha to substitute a postmodern alliance based on intersubjective tough love.
Learning to be mindful, to focus, to breathe will help make the application of the modules be more effective. It is paramount to your success in reducing stress and coping.Remember: Sometimes the skills will not work. This is when you need to quickly go to the Distress Tolerance module and take taking a vacation from the situation that you are in, practice radical acceptance, do a lot of self soothe, and distract activities. The key to success is the practice of DBT skills.Overview of DBT skills (4 basic modules)
1. MINDFULNESS (Wise Mind)Using the What Skills:
Observe
Describe
Participate
Using the How Skills:
Non-judgmentally
One-mindfully
Effectively
2. INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESSUsing Objectiveness effectiveness: (Dear Man)
D Describe
E Express
A Assert
R Reinforce
M Mindful
A Appear Confident
N Negotiate
Using Relationship Effectiveness: (Give)
G Gentle
I Interested
V Validate
E Easy Manner
Self-respect effectiveness: (Fast)
F Fair
A Apologies (no Apologies)
S Stick to value
T Truthful
3. EMOTION REGULATIONUsing Reduce Vulnerability: (Please)
P & L Treat Physical Illness
E eating
A Altering Drugs (no drugs unless it is medication to be taken as prescribed by your doctor)
S Sleep
E Exercise
Using Build MasteryBuild Positive experiencesBe mindful of current emotionOpposite to emotion action
4. DISTRESS TOLERANCEU
Using Crisis Survival: Distraction with Wise Mind Accepts
A Activities
C Contributing
C Comparisons
E Emotions - use opposite
P Pushing Away
T Thoughts
S Sensations
Using Self Soothe with five senses:
Taste
Smell
See
Hear
Touch
Using Improve the moment:
I Imagery
M Meaning
P Prayer
R Relaxation
O One thing at a time
V Vacation
E Encouragement
Using Pros and ConsUsing Accepting Reality:WillingnessTurning your mindRadical Acceptance
For more about DBT I recommend two work books: Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, & Distress Tolerance on amazon.com at: http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1257605235&sr=8-1
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook for Bipolar Disorder: Using DBT to Regain Control of Your Emotions and Your Life also on amazon at: http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Workbook-Disorder/dp/1572246286/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1257605235&sr=8-2
Websites:
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/
DBT combines standard cognitive-behavioral techniques for emotion regulation and reality-testing with concepts of mindful awareness, distress tolerance, and acceptance largely derived from Buddhist meditative practice. DBT is the first therapy that has been experimentally demonstrated to be effective for treating BPD. Research indicates that DBT is also effective in treating patients who represent varied symptoms and behaviors associated with spectrum mood disorders, including self-injury. Linehan created DBT in response to her observation of therapist burnout after repudiating patients’ motivation to cooperate in successful treatment. Her first core insight was to recognize that the chronically (para)suicidal patients she studied had been raised in profoundly invalidating environments and required a climate of unconditional acceptance (not Carl Rogers’ humanistically "positive" version, but Thich Nhat Hanh’s metaphysically neutral one) in which to develop a successful therapeutic alliance. Her second insight concerned the need for a commensurate commitment from patients to (be willing to) change—subject to their skillfulness in the present moment--based on 'radical acceptance' of their dire level of emotional dysfunction.
Linehan united commitment to the core conditions of acceptance and change through the Hegelian principle of dialectical progress, in which thesis + antithesis → synthesis, and proceeded to assemble a modular array of skills for emotional self-regulation, drawn from Western (e.g., CBT and an interpersonal variant, “assertiveness training”) and Eastern (e.g., Buddhist mindfulness meditation) psychological traditions. Arguably her signal contribution was to elide the adversarial paradigm implicit in the hierarchical modernist therapeutic alliance, using the deconstructive spirit of Hegel and the Buddha to substitute a postmodern alliance based on intersubjective tough love.
Learning to be mindful, to focus, to breathe will help make the application of the modules be more effective. It is paramount to your success in reducing stress and coping.Remember: Sometimes the skills will not work. This is when you need to quickly go to the Distress Tolerance module and take taking a vacation from the situation that you are in, practice radical acceptance, do a lot of self soothe, and distract activities. The key to success is the practice of DBT skills.Overview of DBT skills (4 basic modules)
1. MINDFULNESS (Wise Mind)Using the What Skills:
Observe
Describe
Participate
Using the How Skills:
Non-judgmentally
One-mindfully
Effectively
2. INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESSUsing Objectiveness effectiveness: (Dear Man)
D Describe
E Express
A Assert
R Reinforce
M Mindful
A Appear Confident
N Negotiate
Using Relationship Effectiveness: (Give)
G Gentle
I Interested
V Validate
E Easy Manner
Self-respect effectiveness: (Fast)
F Fair
A Apologies (no Apologies)
S Stick to value
T Truthful
3. EMOTION REGULATIONUsing Reduce Vulnerability: (Please)
P & L Treat Physical Illness
E eating
A Altering Drugs (no drugs unless it is medication to be taken as prescribed by your doctor)
S Sleep
E Exercise
Using Build MasteryBuild Positive experiencesBe mindful of current emotionOpposite to emotion action
4. DISTRESS TOLERANCEU
Using Crisis Survival: Distraction with Wise Mind Accepts
A Activities
C Contributing
C Comparisons
E Emotions - use opposite
P Pushing Away
T Thoughts
S Sensations
Using Self Soothe with five senses:
Taste
Smell
See
Hear
Touch
Using Improve the moment:
I Imagery
M Meaning
P Prayer
R Relaxation
O One thing at a time
V Vacation
E Encouragement
Using Pros and ConsUsing Accepting Reality:WillingnessTurning your mindRadical Acceptance
For more about DBT I recommend two work books: Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, & Distress Tolerance on amazon.com at: http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1257605235&sr=8-1
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook for Bipolar Disorder: Using DBT to Regain Control of Your Emotions and Your Life also on amazon at: http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Workbook-Disorder/dp/1572246286/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1257605235&sr=8-2
Websites:
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/
Sunday, November 1, 2009
What Music Are You On?
Everytime you watch television it is impossible to escape the commercials for psychiatric medications. Although they calmly list the terrifying side effects as they show a man and a woman skipping through the woods they actually think we're not listening...we are. Medications are sometimes nescessary for various reasons; but I do not feel it should be your first line of defense by any means.
So instead of asking someone what medication they are on, ask them what music they are on? Why? Because music is a natural healing method. Music helps with anxiety, depression, grief and even physical ailments. Weather it's classical, rock, jazz, blues, raggae or rap music heals. And also, their are no nasty side effects; accept for hearing loss if u crank up ur Bose too loud!!
Jackie
So instead of asking someone what medication they are on, ask them what music they are on? Why? Because music is a natural healing method. Music helps with anxiety, depression, grief and even physical ailments. Weather it's classical, rock, jazz, blues, raggae or rap music heals. And also, their are no nasty side effects; accept for hearing loss if u crank up ur Bose too loud!!
Jackie
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Politics In America
Capitol Hill needs a cleansing. I believe most politicians want to get into public service for the right reasons but get so intoxicated with the fumes of power, money, & fame that they lose their moral compass. I am still a Democrat, but believe that politics is destroying our country.
Many moons ago Samuel Adams said,"If ever a time shall come, when vain and aspiring men shall possess the highest seats in Government, our country will stand in need of its experienced patriots to prevent our ruin." Today Americans are fed up with the present system. The culture of money and power dominates Washington and makes good people do things that are morally questionable, if not reprehensible. We can no longer tolerate a political system that rewards unethical behavior.
From bondage to spiritual faith.
From faith to great courage.
From courage to liberty.
From liberty to abundance.
From abundance to complacency.
From complacency to selfishness.
From selfishness to apathy.
From apathy to dependency.
And from dependence back into bondage.
ALEXANDER TYLER
Times such as this can easily breed a hopeless attitude but it can also stimulate us to realize we have within us the capacity to overcome these challenges & if we are courageous and act now to make a difference then we need not despair.
Many moons ago Samuel Adams said,"If ever a time shall come, when vain and aspiring men shall possess the highest seats in Government, our country will stand in need of its experienced patriots to prevent our ruin." Today Americans are fed up with the present system. The culture of money and power dominates Washington and makes good people do things that are morally questionable, if not reprehensible. We can no longer tolerate a political system that rewards unethical behavior.
From bondage to spiritual faith.
From faith to great courage.
From courage to liberty.
From liberty to abundance.
From abundance to complacency.
From complacency to selfishness.
From selfishness to apathy.
From apathy to dependency.
And from dependence back into bondage.
ALEXANDER TYLER
Times such as this can easily breed a hopeless attitude but it can also stimulate us to realize we have within us the capacity to overcome these challenges & if we are courageous and act now to make a difference then we need not despair.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
More Wisdom From Coach Dale Brown
Notes From Dale Brown’s Readings On Leadership
1. No leader is exempt from criticism, and his humility will nowhere be seen more clearly than in the manner in which he accepts and reacts to it.
2. Anyone who steps into the arena of leadership must be prepared to pay a price. True leadership exacts a heavy toll on the whole person and the more effective the leadership, the higher the price! The leader must soon face the fact that he will be the target of critical darts. Unpleasant though it may sound, you haven’t really led until you have become familiar with the stinging barbs of the critic. Good leaders must have the thick skin.
3. Every leader must develop the ability to measure the value or worth of criticism. He has to determine the source and the motive, and he has to listen with discernment. Sometimes the best course of action is to respond to criticism and learn from it. Other times, he must be completely ignored.
4. It is impossible to lead anyone without facing opposition.
5. It is essential to face opposition in prayer.
6. Few people can live in the lap of luxury and maintain their spiritual, emotional, and moral equilibrium. Sudden elevation often disturbs balance, which leads to pride and a sense of self-sufficiency and then, a fall. It’s ironic, but more of us can hang tough through a demotion than through a promotion.
7. The man who is impatient with weakness will be defective in his leadership. The evidence of our strength lies not in streaking ahead but in a willingness to adapt our stride to the slower pace of our weaker brethren, while not forfeiting our lead. If we run too far ahead, we lose our power to influence.
8. No matter how strong a leader you are, you will experience times when the cutting remarks really hurt.
9. You must be determined to apply massive common sense in solving complex problems.
10. You must be willing to accept the simple fact that you have flaws and will need to work every day to become a better leader than you were yesterday.
11. We must never build pyramids in our own honor. We must not fall victim to pompous, self-serving practices.
12. Beware of the treacherous person who pledges loyalty in public then spreads discontent in private. Make every effort to identify and remove them. Leaders are often betrayed by those they trust most.
13. Do not delegate an assignment and then attempt to manage it yourself-you will make an enemy of the overruled subordinates.
14. Worthy leaders accept full responsibility for all assignments-even those they have delegated to their subordinates.
15. A wise leader expands his influence and ability to serve the company only through the art of delegation.
16. Know that your most worthy efforts will be scorned by your peers, for it is they who suffer most when you excel.
17. Regardless of the conditions under which a former leader departs, the new leader should neither encourage nor tolerate disrespectful talk of him. Speaking ill will not change past events or serve to further understanding. It will most certainly tarnish the stature of a new leader.
18. As a leader who achieves greater success, the jealousy others feel for him intensifies.
19. Good workers normally achieve what their leaders expect from them.
20. Leaders should remember that hospitality, warmth, and courtesy will captivate even the most oppressive foe.21. Leaders should always aim high, going after things that will make a difference rather than seeking the safe path of mediocrity.
22. The leader teaches by example rather than by lecturing others on how they ought to be.
23. By being selfless, the leader enhances self.
24. When leaders become superstars, the teacher outshines the teaching.
25. The leader does not take all the credit for what happens and has no need for fame. A moderate ego demonstrates wisdom
26. If you measure success in terms of praise and criticism your anxiety will be endless.
27. To become more profound, give up your selfishness. Let go of your efforts to be perfect or rich or secure or admired. Such efforts only limit you.
28. When I give up trying to impress the group, I become very impressive. The less I make myself, the more I am.
29. The flashy leader lacks stability. Trying to rush matters gets you nowhere. Trying to appear brilliant is not enlightened. Insecure leaders try to promote themselves. Impotent leaders capitalize on their position.
30. Too much force will backfire. Constant interventions and instigations will not make a good group. They will spoil a group. Force will cost you the support of the members.
31. Being open and attentive is more effective than being judgmental. This is because people naturally tend to be good and truthful when they are being received in a good and truthful manner.
32. The leader cannot be seduced by offers or threats. Money, love, or fame-whatever gained or lost-do not sway the leader from center.
33. The fewer rules the better. Rules reduce freedom and responsibility. Enforcement of rules is coercive and manipulative, which diminishes spontaneity and absorbs group energy.
34. The more coercive you are, the more resistant the group will become. Your manipulations will only breed evasions. Every law creates an outlaw.
35. Good leadership consists of motivating people to their highest levels by offering them opportunities not obligations.
36. Knowing that you do not know everything is far wiser than thinking you know a lot when you really don’t.
37. The wise leader models spiritual behavior and lives in harmony with spiritual values.
38. The wise leader knows that yielding overcome resistances, and gentleness melts rigid defenses.
39. A leader must endure a great deal of abuse. If the leader were not like water, the leader would break. The ability to be soft makes the leader a leader. This is another paradox; what is soft is strong.
40. Interfere as little as possible. Interference, however brilliant, creates a dependence on the leader.
41. Many leaders spoil the work just as it nears completion. They get eager. They get invested in certain outcomes. They become anxious and make mistakes. This is a time for care and consciousness.
42. A wise leader stays in the background and facilitates other people’s process. The greatest things a leader does go largely unnoticed. Because the leader does not push or shape or manipulate, there is no resentment or resistance.
43. There is a vast difference between being aware of the details and being lost in those details. The individual who is able to stand back being fully aware of the facts and yet not lost in them is the one best equipped to lead.
44. Lack of morale and discipline is the most contagious and destructive disease that can ever enter your company.
45. Do not expect everyone to agree with you even if you are the boss.
46. When you must be overly persuasive in gaining support for your decision, it’s usually a sign of a bad one.
47. Know that your most worthy efforts will be scorned by your peers, for it is they who suffer most when you excel.
48. A leader with followers who always agree with him reaps the counsel of mediocrity.
49. Great leaders never take themselves too seriously.
50. As a leader achieves greater success, the jealousy others feel for him intensifies.
51. Leaders should never rush into confrontations.
52. The ability to make difficult decisions separates leaders from followers.
53. Good workers normally achieve what their leaders expect from them.
54. Leaders are often betrayed by those they trust most.
55. The leader shows that style is no substitute for substance, that knowing certain facts is not more powerful than simple wisdom, than creating an impression is not more potent than acting from one’s center.
56. Silence is a great source of strength.
57. Enlightened leadership is service, no selfishness. The leader grows more and lasts longer by placing the well being of self alone.
58. When a person is calm, complex events appear simple. To know what is happening, push less, open up and be aware. See without staring. Listen quietly rather than listening hard. Use intuition and reflection rather than trying to figure things out. The more you let go of trying, and the more open and receptive you become, the more easily you will know what is happening.
59. The wise leader speaks rarely and briefly. The leaser teaches more through being than through doing. The quality of one’s silence conveys more than long speeches. The leader who knows how to be still and feel deeply will probably be effective, but the leader who chatters and boasts and tries to impress the group has no center and carries little weight.
60. The flashy leader lacks stability. Trying to rush matters gets you nowhere. Trying to appear brilliant is not enlightened. Insecure leaders try to promote themselves. Impotent leaders capitalize on their position.
61. Too much force will backfire. Constant interventions and instigations will not make a good group.
1. No leader is exempt from criticism, and his humility will nowhere be seen more clearly than in the manner in which he accepts and reacts to it.
2. Anyone who steps into the arena of leadership must be prepared to pay a price. True leadership exacts a heavy toll on the whole person and the more effective the leadership, the higher the price! The leader must soon face the fact that he will be the target of critical darts. Unpleasant though it may sound, you haven’t really led until you have become familiar with the stinging barbs of the critic. Good leaders must have the thick skin.
3. Every leader must develop the ability to measure the value or worth of criticism. He has to determine the source and the motive, and he has to listen with discernment. Sometimes the best course of action is to respond to criticism and learn from it. Other times, he must be completely ignored.
4. It is impossible to lead anyone without facing opposition.
5. It is essential to face opposition in prayer.
6. Few people can live in the lap of luxury and maintain their spiritual, emotional, and moral equilibrium. Sudden elevation often disturbs balance, which leads to pride and a sense of self-sufficiency and then, a fall. It’s ironic, but more of us can hang tough through a demotion than through a promotion.
7. The man who is impatient with weakness will be defective in his leadership. The evidence of our strength lies not in streaking ahead but in a willingness to adapt our stride to the slower pace of our weaker brethren, while not forfeiting our lead. If we run too far ahead, we lose our power to influence.
8. No matter how strong a leader you are, you will experience times when the cutting remarks really hurt.
9. You must be determined to apply massive common sense in solving complex problems.
10. You must be willing to accept the simple fact that you have flaws and will need to work every day to become a better leader than you were yesterday.
11. We must never build pyramids in our own honor. We must not fall victim to pompous, self-serving practices.
12. Beware of the treacherous person who pledges loyalty in public then spreads discontent in private. Make every effort to identify and remove them. Leaders are often betrayed by those they trust most.
13. Do not delegate an assignment and then attempt to manage it yourself-you will make an enemy of the overruled subordinates.
14. Worthy leaders accept full responsibility for all assignments-even those they have delegated to their subordinates.
15. A wise leader expands his influence and ability to serve the company only through the art of delegation.
16. Know that your most worthy efforts will be scorned by your peers, for it is they who suffer most when you excel.
17. Regardless of the conditions under which a former leader departs, the new leader should neither encourage nor tolerate disrespectful talk of him. Speaking ill will not change past events or serve to further understanding. It will most certainly tarnish the stature of a new leader.
18. As a leader who achieves greater success, the jealousy others feel for him intensifies.
19. Good workers normally achieve what their leaders expect from them.
20. Leaders should remember that hospitality, warmth, and courtesy will captivate even the most oppressive foe.21. Leaders should always aim high, going after things that will make a difference rather than seeking the safe path of mediocrity.
22. The leader teaches by example rather than by lecturing others on how they ought to be.
23. By being selfless, the leader enhances self.
24. When leaders become superstars, the teacher outshines the teaching.
25. The leader does not take all the credit for what happens and has no need for fame. A moderate ego demonstrates wisdom
26. If you measure success in terms of praise and criticism your anxiety will be endless.
27. To become more profound, give up your selfishness. Let go of your efforts to be perfect or rich or secure or admired. Such efforts only limit you.
28. When I give up trying to impress the group, I become very impressive. The less I make myself, the more I am.
29. The flashy leader lacks stability. Trying to rush matters gets you nowhere. Trying to appear brilliant is not enlightened. Insecure leaders try to promote themselves. Impotent leaders capitalize on their position.
30. Too much force will backfire. Constant interventions and instigations will not make a good group. They will spoil a group. Force will cost you the support of the members.
31. Being open and attentive is more effective than being judgmental. This is because people naturally tend to be good and truthful when they are being received in a good and truthful manner.
32. The leader cannot be seduced by offers or threats. Money, love, or fame-whatever gained or lost-do not sway the leader from center.
33. The fewer rules the better. Rules reduce freedom and responsibility. Enforcement of rules is coercive and manipulative, which diminishes spontaneity and absorbs group energy.
34. The more coercive you are, the more resistant the group will become. Your manipulations will only breed evasions. Every law creates an outlaw.
35. Good leadership consists of motivating people to their highest levels by offering them opportunities not obligations.
36. Knowing that you do not know everything is far wiser than thinking you know a lot when you really don’t.
37. The wise leader models spiritual behavior and lives in harmony with spiritual values.
38. The wise leader knows that yielding overcome resistances, and gentleness melts rigid defenses.
39. A leader must endure a great deal of abuse. If the leader were not like water, the leader would break. The ability to be soft makes the leader a leader. This is another paradox; what is soft is strong.
40. Interfere as little as possible. Interference, however brilliant, creates a dependence on the leader.
41. Many leaders spoil the work just as it nears completion. They get eager. They get invested in certain outcomes. They become anxious and make mistakes. This is a time for care and consciousness.
42. A wise leader stays in the background and facilitates other people’s process. The greatest things a leader does go largely unnoticed. Because the leader does not push or shape or manipulate, there is no resentment or resistance.
43. There is a vast difference between being aware of the details and being lost in those details. The individual who is able to stand back being fully aware of the facts and yet not lost in them is the one best equipped to lead.
44. Lack of morale and discipline is the most contagious and destructive disease that can ever enter your company.
45. Do not expect everyone to agree with you even if you are the boss.
46. When you must be overly persuasive in gaining support for your decision, it’s usually a sign of a bad one.
47. Know that your most worthy efforts will be scorned by your peers, for it is they who suffer most when you excel.
48. A leader with followers who always agree with him reaps the counsel of mediocrity.
49. Great leaders never take themselves too seriously.
50. As a leader achieves greater success, the jealousy others feel for him intensifies.
51. Leaders should never rush into confrontations.
52. The ability to make difficult decisions separates leaders from followers.
53. Good workers normally achieve what their leaders expect from them.
54. Leaders are often betrayed by those they trust most.
55. The leader shows that style is no substitute for substance, that knowing certain facts is not more powerful than simple wisdom, than creating an impression is not more potent than acting from one’s center.
56. Silence is a great source of strength.
57. Enlightened leadership is service, no selfishness. The leader grows more and lasts longer by placing the well being of self alone.
58. When a person is calm, complex events appear simple. To know what is happening, push less, open up and be aware. See without staring. Listen quietly rather than listening hard. Use intuition and reflection rather than trying to figure things out. The more you let go of trying, and the more open and receptive you become, the more easily you will know what is happening.
59. The wise leader speaks rarely and briefly. The leaser teaches more through being than through doing. The quality of one’s silence conveys more than long speeches. The leader who knows how to be still and feel deeply will probably be effective, but the leader who chatters and boasts and tries to impress the group has no center and carries little weight.
60. The flashy leader lacks stability. Trying to rush matters gets you nowhere. Trying to appear brilliant is not enlightened. Insecure leaders try to promote themselves. Impotent leaders capitalize on their position.
61. Too much force will backfire. Constant interventions and instigations will not make a good group.
The Falling Man
Tonight I was bored. I have plenty to keep me entertained and busy...but I found myself on youtube, a site I don't go to often. As I was browsing a documentary came up about September 11th, 2001 called The Falling Man. As many now know, several people jumped to their deaths, not because they wished to die but because death was a certainty and they had a choice...burn to death or jump. Many chose to jump even though the media quickly covered up that fact.
There are many that feel that taking your own life is a mortal sin punishable by going instantly to hell; but surely a loving, compassionate God would not send a man or woman to hell for jumping out of a 100 story building that was engulfed in flames and smoke. What would you have done? I probably would have jumped, just as a reflex to get away, to be in some sort of control over my death.
Watch this documentary and find out for yourself who The Falling Man captured on film is. I am sure it was a worker from the Windows On The World Restaurant, where I have eaten before. But The Falling Man is every man. He is you. He is me. He went to work that morning like so many other mornings and his life was taken from him, from his loved ones and from his friends. The Falling Man shows us that September 11, 2001 wasn't just an attack on the World Trade Center Towers; it was an attack against humanity. I pray for this man, that God had mercy on him enough to take his soul before he hit the ground and the souls of the other jumpers as well. They were not cowards; they are not in hell. They are with the Lord and one day those that are responsible for this will have to answer to them and to God, "Why?" What will they say? What can they say? These were not suicides; these were murders. You need to watch this video, you need to remember that these were real people with real lives and real families. VIDEO HERE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXnA9FjvLSU
There are many that feel that taking your own life is a mortal sin punishable by going instantly to hell; but surely a loving, compassionate God would not send a man or woman to hell for jumping out of a 100 story building that was engulfed in flames and smoke. What would you have done? I probably would have jumped, just as a reflex to get away, to be in some sort of control over my death.
Watch this documentary and find out for yourself who The Falling Man captured on film is. I am sure it was a worker from the Windows On The World Restaurant, where I have eaten before. But The Falling Man is every man. He is you. He is me. He went to work that morning like so many other mornings and his life was taken from him, from his loved ones and from his friends. The Falling Man shows us that September 11, 2001 wasn't just an attack on the World Trade Center Towers; it was an attack against humanity. I pray for this man, that God had mercy on him enough to take his soul before he hit the ground and the souls of the other jumpers as well. They were not cowards; they are not in hell. They are with the Lord and one day those that are responsible for this will have to answer to them and to God, "Why?" What will they say? What can they say? These were not suicides; these were murders. You need to watch this video, you need to remember that these were real people with real lives and real families. VIDEO HERE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXnA9FjvLSU
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Hall of Fame Basketball Coach Dale Brown
Last night I interviewed Coach Dale Brown who retired as the LSU basketball coach after about 30 years. He is best known for grooming Shaquille O'Neill from the time he was 13 and they remain friends to this day. The love this man has for others and for Shaq is real and amazing...he is amazing and if you missed that interview I will give you a link at the end. He sent me this story via email and I wanted to share it with you:
The Journey of a Mother
For those who are fortunate enough to still be blessed by having your Mom with you, this is beautiful…For those who aren’t…it is even more beautiful. The young mother set her foot on the path of life. “Is this the long way?” she asked. And the guide said, “Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning.” Since the young mother was happy, she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, she fed them and bathed them, and taught them how to tie their shoes, ride a bike, do their homework, and brush their teeth. The sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried, “Nothing will ever be lovelier than this.” Then the nights came, and the storms, and the path was sometimes dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her arms, and the children said, “Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come.” And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children, “A little patience and we are there.” So the children climbed, and as they climbed they learned to weather the storms. And with this, she gave them strength to face the world. Year after year, she showed them compassion, understanding, hope, but most of all…unconditional love. The days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old and she became little and bent. But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage. And the mother, when she lay down at night, looked up at the stars and said, “This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned so much and are now passing these traits on to their children.” And when the way became rough for her, they lifted her, and gave her their strength, just as she had given them hers. One day they came to a hill, and beyond the hill, they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And mother said, “I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk with dignity and pride, with their heads held high, and so can their children after them.” And the children said, “You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates.” And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said, “We cannot see her, but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence.” Your Mother is always with you. She’s the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street, she’s the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick and perfume that she wore, she’s the cool hand on your brow when you’re not feeling well, she’s your breath in the air on a cold winter’s day. She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow, she is Christmas morning. Your Mother lives inside your laughter. And she’s crystallized in every tear drop. A mother shows every emotion…happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy, love, hate, anger, helplessness, excitement, joy, sorrow…and all the while, hoping and praying you will only know the good feelings in life. She’s the place you came from, your first home, and she’s the map you follow with every step you take. She’s your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space…not even death!
SHOW LINK: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/yourmentalhealth/2009/10/06/Coach-Dale-Brown-Discusses-His-Book-A-Collection-O
The Journey of a Mother
For those who are fortunate enough to still be blessed by having your Mom with you, this is beautiful…For those who aren’t…it is even more beautiful. The young mother set her foot on the path of life. “Is this the long way?” she asked. And the guide said, “Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning.” Since the young mother was happy, she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, she fed them and bathed them, and taught them how to tie their shoes, ride a bike, do their homework, and brush their teeth. The sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried, “Nothing will ever be lovelier than this.” Then the nights came, and the storms, and the path was sometimes dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her arms, and the children said, “Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come.” And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children, “A little patience and we are there.” So the children climbed, and as they climbed they learned to weather the storms. And with this, she gave them strength to face the world. Year after year, she showed them compassion, understanding, hope, but most of all…unconditional love. The days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old and she became little and bent. But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage. And the mother, when she lay down at night, looked up at the stars and said, “This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned so much and are now passing these traits on to their children.” And when the way became rough for her, they lifted her, and gave her their strength, just as she had given them hers. One day they came to a hill, and beyond the hill, they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And mother said, “I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk with dignity and pride, with their heads held high, and so can their children after them.” And the children said, “You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates.” And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said, “We cannot see her, but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence.” Your Mother is always with you. She’s the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street, she’s the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick and perfume that she wore, she’s the cool hand on your brow when you’re not feeling well, she’s your breath in the air on a cold winter’s day. She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow, she is Christmas morning. Your Mother lives inside your laughter. And she’s crystallized in every tear drop. A mother shows every emotion…happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy, love, hate, anger, helplessness, excitement, joy, sorrow…and all the while, hoping and praying you will only know the good feelings in life. She’s the place you came from, your first home, and she’s the map you follow with every step you take. She’s your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space…not even death!
SHOW LINK: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/yourmentalhealth/2009/10/06/Coach-Dale-Brown-Discusses-His-Book-A-Collection-O
Thursday, September 24, 2009
The Words Of Joel Osteen
I need to hear this today:
Too many people go around negative and discouraged. They focus on their problems, what they can’t do, and how they’ll never accomplish their dreams. If we’re not careful, that same spirit can rub off on us.
God wants us to have a different kind of spirit, a spirit of faith. When everyone else is complaining and shrinking back in fear, you move forward in faith. Instead of talking defeat, you talk victory. When others are complaining, discouraged and overwhelmed by their problems, you are at peace and full of joy. You have a spring in your step because you know God is in complete control. Even when the giants in our lives look big, we have a different perspective; we know our God is bigger. It may look impossible, but we know God is able.
If you want to make it to your Promise Land and fulfill your God-given destiny, you have to have a different spirit, one that walks by faith and not just by sight. God promises that not only will you be blessed, but your children and descendants will see His blessings, favor and increase!
Too many people go around negative and discouraged. They focus on their problems, what they can’t do, and how they’ll never accomplish their dreams. If we’re not careful, that same spirit can rub off on us.
God wants us to have a different kind of spirit, a spirit of faith. When everyone else is complaining and shrinking back in fear, you move forward in faith. Instead of talking defeat, you talk victory. When others are complaining, discouraged and overwhelmed by their problems, you are at peace and full of joy. You have a spring in your step because you know God is in complete control. Even when the giants in our lives look big, we have a different perspective; we know our God is bigger. It may look impossible, but we know God is able.
If you want to make it to your Promise Land and fulfill your God-given destiny, you have to have a different spirit, one that walks by faith and not just by sight. God promises that not only will you be blessed, but your children and descendants will see His blessings, favor and increase!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I Can't Cry Anymore
It is 4 AM almost and I am on my way out to go get a Slurpee from the 7-Eleven. I have been craving ice a lot lately. When you crave or chew ice it is called pica and it usually means you are iron deficient which makes sense with lupus. So I chew ice like crazy or drink frozen drinks.
The house is quite. Everyone is asleep but me...hell even the dog is asleep! Lee is of course on the couch but what's new. He does not want to change, he wants me to change and I have but not enough for him to be happy with me or love me. I have grown tired and I don't even cry that much anymore. He says it doesn't work on him and I said "Idiot, I am not crying for your benefit or your sympathy because I already know you're heartless...I am crying for me so go jump off a bridge or something, please!" He just talks to hear his own voice. He can be the greatest guy or the meanest one and when I leave I will never come back here except to see my children and I will stay in a hotel or at my parents.
I am sad it is over, I had high hope but it is over and he wants it this way or he would seek professional help. His problems r with him he just takes them out on me. It's hard to take.
So, it I am on the radio and sound all happy, it's fake...but it is my job so I do my best. See you on the air tonight at 8 pm EDT with author Sondra Kornblatt, great show! www.blogtalkradio.com/yourmentalhealth
The house is quite. Everyone is asleep but me...hell even the dog is asleep! Lee is of course on the couch but what's new. He does not want to change, he wants me to change and I have but not enough for him to be happy with me or love me. I have grown tired and I don't even cry that much anymore. He says it doesn't work on him and I said "Idiot, I am not crying for your benefit or your sympathy because I already know you're heartless...I am crying for me so go jump off a bridge or something, please!" He just talks to hear his own voice. He can be the greatest guy or the meanest one and when I leave I will never come back here except to see my children and I will stay in a hotel or at my parents.
I am sad it is over, I had high hope but it is over and he wants it this way or he would seek professional help. His problems r with him he just takes them out on me. It's hard to take.
So, it I am on the radio and sound all happy, it's fake...but it is my job so I do my best. See you on the air tonight at 8 pm EDT with author Sondra Kornblatt, great show! www.blogtalkradio.com/yourmentalhealth
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
This Is For My Friend Kelly
This post is all about my friend Kelly. Kelly is the kindest, most loving person I have ever known. Like me, she has issues...but like me she is working on them and is gaining ground each day. Kelly is honest, pure and has NEVER wanted anything from me but my friendship. She has never ONCE asked me for a thing...not one favor, not one thing. Even if I offered, she is the type who would say "No, I'm okay...but what do you need?" She is selfless, giving, funny and I am blessed to know her. She may be surprised to know this, but there was a time I was going to quit doing my radio show. I was tired. I was being criticized left and right and it was a lot of work ( and still is!) But then I got a surprise call from Kelly, like God told her "Hey, call Jackie...she needs you." You told me that my show was a blessing, that you loved it and that I was a great host. You told me to keep on going no matter what anyone says. Now almost a year later I have gone from a few thousand listeners to millions all over the world. I receive more love mail than hate mail. And it is all because of you. You are amazing, a brilliant gift put here by God. You are not an accident and you are MORE than your flaws. I have so many flaws I lost count; but you never seem to care do you? You just like me. And Kelly...I like you too. May God bless you, heal you and give you the strength not just to make it through life but to ENJOY it.
I laugh a lot on the radio and with my friend, but with you I can cry. With you I can be me. With you I am safe and all is OK. How many people can say they have a friend like that? Not many. Thank you... Jackie
I laugh a lot on the radio and with my friend, but with you I can cry. With you I can be me. With you I am safe and all is OK. How many people can say they have a friend like that? Not many. Thank you... Jackie
Monday, September 21, 2009
Who Me? Codependent?
Okay, my name is Jacqueline Foreman and I am completely codependent. So what does it mean to be codependent--each person may have their own definition but this is what the dictionary says:
Codependent: of or pertaining to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.
Now how does this apply to me. I have been married for 21 years so I have not been in a codependent love relationship for a long time, but I do have codependent friendships and that is why some of them do not work out. It is mostly my fault--I will move heaven and earth to make my friends happy because I think they will not like me if I am not doing something for them. I think that just being me is not good enough and I need to do more...give them gifts, knock myself out working for them 24/7 even at the expense of my own health and well being.
I have been this way since I was a kid. I never thought I was good enough, smart enough, funny enough. I was less than and I let people use me and hurt me in some horrible ways. My husband Lee was the first person who liked me when I was broke, 18 and had nothing to offer. He made me who I am--the good parts of me--and that is why our marriage deserves a 2nd, 3rd and 4th chance. He is not a bad man; we have just had a string of tragedies and they have torn us apart. We are changed people. We married one person and now we are different people due to circumstances that were outside of our control.
Now if you are one of my friends and you are reading this don't get all paranoid. When I notice a flaw in myself naturally I want to fix it and this is very problematic for me. For me to think I am not worthy of unless I am knocking myself out for them means I have serious self-esteem issues. This makes me feel terrible and isolated. I even feel this way with certain family members!
So this is what I am doing, I signed up for an online codependency course that comes with a workbook and I am also working with a great self esteem and codpendency expert 1:1. So I hope to be codependent no more in the coming weeks. Friends that truly care about me will like the changes--those that are not true friends will not. All will be revealed.
Tonight the new season of my radio talk show begins. I have a great guest joining me at 8 PM EDT for the hour at www.blogtalkradio.com/yourmentalhealth. Hope you can join us! Jackie
Codependent: of or pertaining to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.
Now how does this apply to me. I have been married for 21 years so I have not been in a codependent love relationship for a long time, but I do have codependent friendships and that is why some of them do not work out. It is mostly my fault--I will move heaven and earth to make my friends happy because I think they will not like me if I am not doing something for them. I think that just being me is not good enough and I need to do more...give them gifts, knock myself out working for them 24/7 even at the expense of my own health and well being.
I have been this way since I was a kid. I never thought I was good enough, smart enough, funny enough. I was less than and I let people use me and hurt me in some horrible ways. My husband Lee was the first person who liked me when I was broke, 18 and had nothing to offer. He made me who I am--the good parts of me--and that is why our marriage deserves a 2nd, 3rd and 4th chance. He is not a bad man; we have just had a string of tragedies and they have torn us apart. We are changed people. We married one person and now we are different people due to circumstances that were outside of our control.
Now if you are one of my friends and you are reading this don't get all paranoid. When I notice a flaw in myself naturally I want to fix it and this is very problematic for me. For me to think I am not worthy of unless I am knocking myself out for them means I have serious self-esteem issues. This makes me feel terrible and isolated. I even feel this way with certain family members!
So this is what I am doing, I signed up for an online codependency course that comes with a workbook and I am also working with a great self esteem and codpendency expert 1:1. So I hope to be codependent no more in the coming weeks. Friends that truly care about me will like the changes--those that are not true friends will not. All will be revealed.
Tonight the new season of my radio talk show begins. I have a great guest joining me at 8 PM EDT for the hour at www.blogtalkradio.com/yourmentalhealth. Hope you can join us! Jackie
Sunday, September 20, 2009
I Am Not A Songwriter
Okay I am a writer, but I am not a songwriter. But Tyka Nelson who is a songwriter (and a good one) has inspired me to write a song todayto praise and honor God. So here it is...
Lord I Know You Understand By Jacqueline S. Foreman
(c) 2009 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
You were there for me
When I needed you most
even though I couldn't see you
I felt you in my heart
My pain was great
my sorrow so deep
I hid it with pills
and thought satan had me beat.
But your love was stronger
because you cherish me
and I don't need a crutch any longer
because you carry me
You are my creator
The King of Kings
My Father, my Maker
The one I praise through everything
I know I have nothing
without your favor
but Lord I've got you with me
in heaven and here on earth
you sent your son to die for me so I could experience re-birth
CHROUS
Lord, you hear me when I pray
you know my thoughts
even when I'm crying so hard, I don know what to say
Lord, you hold me close to you
in the palm of your hand you never let me go
because I know you understand.
Beauty for ashes
now faith is today
I see your greatness
in so many ways
There are times when I think
that you just don't care
when I lose my faith in a moment of dispair
but then I feel
your unwavering love
shining down on me
when I feel like giving up
erasing my doubts
changing my mind
fillling my spirit
with joy and kindness
erasing my fears
sending me a lifeline
drying my tears
telling me you're mine
I may feel like a speck of sand
in the hourglass of time
but to you God, I am so much more
I am a part of your devine plan
You make me feel worthyof living my life
when I feel ugly and dirty
you show me the way
you shine a lightto guide me to better days
Your glory surronds me
like a shield to protect me
from all that will hurt me
for when you are with me
who shall be against me?
Cause man can't curse, what you have already blessed
they can't steal my joyI won't let them
no, no, cause I'm your child
devinely made
I stand before you unafraid
no reason to be afraid
your blessing is upon me
your love is greater
than any love here
your love is forever and that is real
CHROUS
Lord, you hear me when I pray
you know my thoughts even when I'm crying so hard, I don know what to say
Lord, you hold me close to you
in the palm of your hand you never let me go
because I know you understand.
Anger: your love is stronger
Evil: Your Angels protect me
Hatred: I ain't gonna feel it no longer, cause your protection is real
nothing can hurt me as long as I walk with you
CHROUS
Lord, you hear me when I pray
you know my thoughts
even when I'm crying so hard,
I don know what to say
Lord, you hold me close to you
in the palm of your hand you never let me go
because I know you understand.
Lord, you never let me go
because I know...you understand.
Lord I Know You Understand By Jacqueline S. Foreman
(c) 2009 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
You were there for me
When I needed you most
even though I couldn't see you
I felt you in my heart
My pain was great
my sorrow so deep
I hid it with pills
and thought satan had me beat.
But your love was stronger
because you cherish me
and I don't need a crutch any longer
because you carry me
You are my creator
The King of Kings
My Father, my Maker
The one I praise through everything
I know I have nothing
without your favor
but Lord I've got you with me
in heaven and here on earth
you sent your son to die for me so I could experience re-birth
CHROUS
Lord, you hear me when I pray
you know my thoughts
even when I'm crying so hard, I don know what to say
Lord, you hold me close to you
in the palm of your hand you never let me go
because I know you understand.
Beauty for ashes
now faith is today
I see your greatness
in so many ways
There are times when I think
that you just don't care
when I lose my faith in a moment of dispair
but then I feel
your unwavering love
shining down on me
when I feel like giving up
erasing my doubts
changing my mind
fillling my spirit
with joy and kindness
erasing my fears
sending me a lifeline
drying my tears
telling me you're mine
I may feel like a speck of sand
in the hourglass of time
but to you God, I am so much more
I am a part of your devine plan
You make me feel worthyof living my life
when I feel ugly and dirty
you show me the way
you shine a lightto guide me to better days
Your glory surronds me
like a shield to protect me
from all that will hurt me
for when you are with me
who shall be against me?
Cause man can't curse, what you have already blessed
they can't steal my joyI won't let them
no, no, cause I'm your child
devinely made
I stand before you unafraid
no reason to be afraid
your blessing is upon me
your love is greater
than any love here
your love is forever and that is real
CHROUS
Lord, you hear me when I pray
you know my thoughts even when I'm crying so hard, I don know what to say
Lord, you hold me close to you
in the palm of your hand you never let me go
because I know you understand.
Anger: your love is stronger
Evil: Your Angels protect me
Hatred: I ain't gonna feel it no longer, cause your protection is real
nothing can hurt me as long as I walk with you
CHROUS
Lord, you hear me when I pray
you know my thoughts
even when I'm crying so hard,
I don know what to say
Lord, you hold me close to you
in the palm of your hand you never let me go
because I know you understand.
Lord, you never let me go
because I know...you understand.
Are We Meaner To One Another?
In the three and a half years that I have been a radio talk show host, I have had more than 400 interviews with some very famous people. Some were my friends for the hour, others remain friends with me on a personal level to this day. Out of all of those interviews I only had three difficult ones that I regretted doing—two of them were within the last ten days. I did sit back and think what role I played in the interview meltdown process.
I am not a mean person, in fact I don’t get paid for doing my show and any money I do make I give away to non-profit organizations like NAMI, St. Jude’s or The Lupus Foundation. I began this show out of desperation—many years ago I suffered a horrible loss and I went into a severe, debilitating and crushing depression. I began doing ymhtr because I never wanted anyone to feel like they were alone in their suffering the way I did.
So, why all the anger—the drama—the angst over something that should be a good thing. First I think I started the show with principles that I let slide over the last year or so. Most of my guests that have become friends, whose shows had the highest ratings came on the air not to sell more books or cd’s but because they cared about the show and shared my passion and vision. A guest that comes on to plug a book, cd or any other product has no place on ymhtr because that is not what the show is about.
Do I endorse certain guests books , products or services? Yes, but not without having used them myself, read them myself or listened to them myself. So now here is where the mean part comes in. We are living in an age where we are now over communicating. We have iphones where we can talk, text, tweet, blog or facebook people 24/7. It is a lot easier to be nasty when u r doing it via email or through a representative. We have depersonalized one another, we are no longer hurting people’s feelings because we feel that sending nasty emails dressed up with fancy words isn’t mean, right? We make friends virtually, and now we hurt one another virtually without much thought before we hit the send button. I am as guilty of this as anyone. It is part of our culture…social media. Mad at your friend? Just kick em off of your facebook page and send them a scathing email. How about leaving a nice nasty voicemail so that your rage is the first thing they wake up to in the morning? That outta be real nice. Now trust me, there are some people who need to be kicked off of your facebook page, who need to be cut out of your life…not everyone is going to get along. But the anger, hostility and the “hey it’s just business” attitude is a lot of bs. When you personally attack someone for doing you a favor—it is not just business—it makes u cruel period. And for u to then turn around and tell that person that they r mean and spiteful for reacting to your bad behavior means that u r in a serious denial and may be in need of one of two things; a serious ass whoopin or an etiquette class: perhaps both? So, to all of my facebook friends, blog readers, radio listeners, fellow tweeters I say to u in the words of the brillian philosopher Rodney King: “can’t we all just get along?” I am going to try. It doesn’t mean that I will always succeed or that I will let people walk all over me like a doormat or make me feel that they r more than and I am less than because 20 years ago they were associated with someone well known. But it does mean that I will not let their ugliness become my ugliness, that I will not make them feel in the right by telling them they r wrong. They already know they r wrong and that is why they r so darn angry. Everyone walks around thinking that they r great, that they don’t hurt others intentionally and that they are being persecuted at every turn but newsflash…if out of 400 interviews I had 60 conflicts, 100—I’d say that I was the one with the problem. Many years ago in my 20’s this would have been the case.
My brother said I was like a wolverine. He was right. But to have 3 conflicts out of more than 400 interviews means I am doing okay, and I am pleased with my work and the emails, phone calls and letters I receive from so many listeners of ymhtr make my day. I think I have the nicest listeners on blogtalk because we r all united in many ways whether it be depression, anxiety, addiction, low self-esteem, bereavement or just a plain loss of joy for life—we have all walked a mile in the others shoes. I cannot say the same for the three guests who were problematic and whose shows are no longer a part of my archives. Another great invention aside from the iphone is the delete key. If someone sends u something negative, delete it—don’t read it—and hey, you don’t even have to respond to them. Why give them the satisfaction—a person can live in a 20 MM dollar mansion, drive a rolls Royce, go to church every Sunday, be a bestselling author, an actor, a producer and still be a complete jackass. Fame and money is not a precursor to how courteous or kind someone is going to be. I have found that out the hard way folks. We tend to idolize people in our society who know the right people or who own a lot of nice things. But we came into this world with nothing and guess what? We’re leaving it the same way. Everything u think u own, u only rent. But let me tell ya, I grew up rich—I made an obscene amount of money in my 20’s and 30’s and I was joyless.
Now I make less, I have less friends—but the quality of the friendships are better. I am not a big bible person but I do like the quote that says that it is easier for a camel to pass thru the eye of a needle than for a rich man to make it into the kingdom of Heaven. I also like the saying take the beam out of your own eye before you take the splinter from mine. Now, don’t get me wrong, being rich is not bad—In fact, I rather enjoyed it—and even now I love to buy presents for my friends and see them smile. It makes me feel good to make other people happy. And yes, yesterday I bought myself an iphone. But let us all remember that on the other side of our emails, there are real people with real feelings. You do not own the market on hurt feelings—if you are unhappy with how something turned out—thank the person and in your own mind just say well, I don’t think I’ll be doing that again.
But to lash out at someone who was trying to help u, trying to do good for u and others and then pouting about it later makes u the fool. When u try to play me, u only end up playing yourself. Yeah, I stole that quote from someone…he knows who he is…and he was right. So in the end, have we gotten meaner to one another? The answer is yes. Why? Because we can and humans often will do what they can get away with 9 times outta 10. So, if you r listening to this show and u are scheduled to be a guest this month, October or November just a few pointers—it is a talk show so u have to talk…if u don’t I’m going to overshadow u by a country mile. Second, listen to shows I have done in the past, do your homework on me as I do mine on you and lastly, don’t just listen to the shows with the celebrities. Those r fun shows but the best shows r the ones done by guests like Elyn Saks, Janet Conner, Barb Rogers Brad Scriber, Raymond Moody, Irv Yalom, E. Torrey Fuller and others. Also, if you listen to the show and u don’t like my radio style; it’s okay not to listen—in fact I ask that you do not to listen—I don’t need to hear what I’m doing wrong when I am having fun. I am doing this for me, and for the memory of a loved one and for all of those that need to hear a kind voice that makes them laugh, even when I thought I’d never laugh again. Well we have some great shows coming up, the new season on ymhtr begins Monday at 8 pm et with barb rogers and it’s gonna be a whole lotta fun. So join us here on ymhtr talk radio for your mind, body, spirit and soul. And remember, only nice people are invited to the party. Until next time I wish u all a good day and good health…
I am not a mean person, in fact I don’t get paid for doing my show and any money I do make I give away to non-profit organizations like NAMI, St. Jude’s or The Lupus Foundation. I began this show out of desperation—many years ago I suffered a horrible loss and I went into a severe, debilitating and crushing depression. I began doing ymhtr because I never wanted anyone to feel like they were alone in their suffering the way I did.
So, why all the anger—the drama—the angst over something that should be a good thing. First I think I started the show with principles that I let slide over the last year or so. Most of my guests that have become friends, whose shows had the highest ratings came on the air not to sell more books or cd’s but because they cared about the show and shared my passion and vision. A guest that comes on to plug a book, cd or any other product has no place on ymhtr because that is not what the show is about.
Do I endorse certain guests books , products or services? Yes, but not without having used them myself, read them myself or listened to them myself. So now here is where the mean part comes in. We are living in an age where we are now over communicating. We have iphones where we can talk, text, tweet, blog or facebook people 24/7. It is a lot easier to be nasty when u r doing it via email or through a representative. We have depersonalized one another, we are no longer hurting people’s feelings because we feel that sending nasty emails dressed up with fancy words isn’t mean, right? We make friends virtually, and now we hurt one another virtually without much thought before we hit the send button. I am as guilty of this as anyone. It is part of our culture…social media. Mad at your friend? Just kick em off of your facebook page and send them a scathing email. How about leaving a nice nasty voicemail so that your rage is the first thing they wake up to in the morning? That outta be real nice. Now trust me, there are some people who need to be kicked off of your facebook page, who need to be cut out of your life…not everyone is going to get along. But the anger, hostility and the “hey it’s just business” attitude is a lot of bs. When you personally attack someone for doing you a favor—it is not just business—it makes u cruel period. And for u to then turn around and tell that person that they r mean and spiteful for reacting to your bad behavior means that u r in a serious denial and may be in need of one of two things; a serious ass whoopin or an etiquette class: perhaps both? So, to all of my facebook friends, blog readers, radio listeners, fellow tweeters I say to u in the words of the brillian philosopher Rodney King: “can’t we all just get along?” I am going to try. It doesn’t mean that I will always succeed or that I will let people walk all over me like a doormat or make me feel that they r more than and I am less than because 20 years ago they were associated with someone well known. But it does mean that I will not let their ugliness become my ugliness, that I will not make them feel in the right by telling them they r wrong. They already know they r wrong and that is why they r so darn angry. Everyone walks around thinking that they r great, that they don’t hurt others intentionally and that they are being persecuted at every turn but newsflash…if out of 400 interviews I had 60 conflicts, 100—I’d say that I was the one with the problem. Many years ago in my 20’s this would have been the case.
My brother said I was like a wolverine. He was right. But to have 3 conflicts out of more than 400 interviews means I am doing okay, and I am pleased with my work and the emails, phone calls and letters I receive from so many listeners of ymhtr make my day. I think I have the nicest listeners on blogtalk because we r all united in many ways whether it be depression, anxiety, addiction, low self-esteem, bereavement or just a plain loss of joy for life—we have all walked a mile in the others shoes. I cannot say the same for the three guests who were problematic and whose shows are no longer a part of my archives. Another great invention aside from the iphone is the delete key. If someone sends u something negative, delete it—don’t read it—and hey, you don’t even have to respond to them. Why give them the satisfaction—a person can live in a 20 MM dollar mansion, drive a rolls Royce, go to church every Sunday, be a bestselling author, an actor, a producer and still be a complete jackass. Fame and money is not a precursor to how courteous or kind someone is going to be. I have found that out the hard way folks. We tend to idolize people in our society who know the right people or who own a lot of nice things. But we came into this world with nothing and guess what? We’re leaving it the same way. Everything u think u own, u only rent. But let me tell ya, I grew up rich—I made an obscene amount of money in my 20’s and 30’s and I was joyless.
Now I make less, I have less friends—but the quality of the friendships are better. I am not a big bible person but I do like the quote that says that it is easier for a camel to pass thru the eye of a needle than for a rich man to make it into the kingdom of Heaven. I also like the saying take the beam out of your own eye before you take the splinter from mine. Now, don’t get me wrong, being rich is not bad—In fact, I rather enjoyed it—and even now I love to buy presents for my friends and see them smile. It makes me feel good to make other people happy. And yes, yesterday I bought myself an iphone. But let us all remember that on the other side of our emails, there are real people with real feelings. You do not own the market on hurt feelings—if you are unhappy with how something turned out—thank the person and in your own mind just say well, I don’t think I’ll be doing that again.
But to lash out at someone who was trying to help u, trying to do good for u and others and then pouting about it later makes u the fool. When u try to play me, u only end up playing yourself. Yeah, I stole that quote from someone…he knows who he is…and he was right. So in the end, have we gotten meaner to one another? The answer is yes. Why? Because we can and humans often will do what they can get away with 9 times outta 10. So, if you r listening to this show and u are scheduled to be a guest this month, October or November just a few pointers—it is a talk show so u have to talk…if u don’t I’m going to overshadow u by a country mile. Second, listen to shows I have done in the past, do your homework on me as I do mine on you and lastly, don’t just listen to the shows with the celebrities. Those r fun shows but the best shows r the ones done by guests like Elyn Saks, Janet Conner, Barb Rogers Brad Scriber, Raymond Moody, Irv Yalom, E. Torrey Fuller and others. Also, if you listen to the show and u don’t like my radio style; it’s okay not to listen—in fact I ask that you do not to listen—I don’t need to hear what I’m doing wrong when I am having fun. I am doing this for me, and for the memory of a loved one and for all of those that need to hear a kind voice that makes them laugh, even when I thought I’d never laugh again. Well we have some great shows coming up, the new season on ymhtr begins Monday at 8 pm et with barb rogers and it’s gonna be a whole lotta fun. So join us here on ymhtr talk radio for your mind, body, spirit and soul. And remember, only nice people are invited to the party. Until next time I wish u all a good day and good health…
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Get Over Yourself Already
I recently did a radio show with someone who was such a pain in the neck, I regretted scheduling her the very next day and wanted to cancel. In fact, several people told me to cancel. But I didn't listen. I did the show anyway. Now, even if you do a media event i.e. a television show, radio show etc. and you didn't love it, you thank the host and in the back of your mind you go "Well, I won't do that again." Instead this person said the show did not go the direction that she wanted it to go and many of her fans complained about it. Fans? This person has fans? Okay, well I can tell you that 1.5 MM people listened to that show to date and I received over 300 emails telling me how much they enjoyed the interview with this person. So, I told her manger (who I don't think has managed a person in her life) since she did not like the show, it would be deleted. I deleted it, thanked them and wished them "all the best in the future" but her manager and the guest (who I think need Prozac, Xanax or both) went ballistic and said that I needed to re-read her email, that there was no reason to delete the show. Okay, the guest hated it, she said her fans hated it...so why would they care if I deleted it? They said it stunk. I guess instead of micromanaging my show, the guest should get one of her own perhaps? I have over 5 MM listeners, that is not an accident. I have great guests and this is only the 3rd disappointing person I have run across in over 480 interviews to date. Not bad at all. So the show is deleted, I asked both of them to not email or text me anymore and I hope that they stay on their meds and leave me alone. She said I was a terrible and mean person...I actually laughed when I read that. I love how people email u, insult u and when u react u are suddenly the bad person. She did say she would pray for me though so I am deeply touched (OK, I'm not but--whatever). I told her if hating me helps her get through the day, hate away...I'm going through so much I just don't care. This person is totally musically irrelevant but thinks she's Diana Ross or something...wow. Head trip!! I would say she's a Diva...but she's just a plain old "b". No way around it...sorry. So the show is gone and if I'm lucky she will crawl back into whatever hole she crawled out of and I will not have to hear her voice ever again. That is my prayer for today~AMEN!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
From Family To Strangers
From Family To Strangers
Raw Sadness fills this house
As the burning of fragrant candles
Is the only form of light.
Beating.
The lonely hearts barely live
As people are torn away from them.
The word family is gone;
replaced with strangers.
Hurt.
A lame duck wife cries herself to happiness
Destroyed.
She swallows pills to hide the pain from herself.
Ashamed.
She cuts the sadness from her unblessed soul.
Her soon to be ex-husband
tells himself that things will turn out fine;
a way for him to sleep at night
even if it's on the couch
Divorce.
An awful yet easy solution;
a way to give up all hope.
A way to replace a family
With strangers.
Who once so deeply loved
with hearts that are now empty.
Today was more of the same. I tried to speak to Lee about working on our marriage, we only ended up arguing more. Nothing has changed, if anything it has gotten worse. He sent me a text message telling me he was sorry...yes a text, instead of coming to me and saying it he sent me a freaking text message. Needless to say I was underwhelemed because this is a pattern with us. I make up my mind to leave and then he sends me an email or a text message saying he doesn't want me to leave and he wants it to work things out...but nothing every changes or gets worked out. Rinse. Cycle. Repeat.
This hurts so much because I do love this man. When I married him on July 27th, I thought it was for keeps. I watched the VHS tape of our justice of the peace wedding the other day. I looked so young--I was 19 and he was so hand some--he was 27. We looked so happy and so in love. I am going to take the VHS tape tomorrow and have it made into a CD because it is getting worn and no matter what, I want to have that tape forever. I want to remember that beautiful, young girl who married her handsome Prince and thought that they would live happily ever after.
I look around this house and all I can do is cry. I have lived here my entire adult life. My husband was at work and I went house shopping with my dad. Lee told me, get any house you want in our price range in the best neighborhood you can but it has to have two things: a two car garage and an in ground sprinkler system. Well guess what? I FOUND THAT HOUSE and we made a bid on it that day and we closed on it within two weeks. The day we moved in it was empty; the moving truck was not there yet and we went downstairs and rolled around on the floor like two crazy people. We had a HOUSE! A beautiful little house in a great area with an excellent school system. Back then it was so much larger than our 2 bedroom apartment because when we moved here it was just me, Lee and our 2 year old son Chris. We never even thought about having more children--yet we went on to have three more!
Well, the house is a lot smaller now, but I still love it. I love sitting on my new couch and watching Tivo and reading books in my favorite chair by the bay windows. I love laying in my Temperpedic bed, I bought it for $5,000 because Lee is a paraplegic and his feet get swollen so I got the one where the feet go up and down so he can raise his feet at night. But he doesn't sleep with me anymore. When I leave, I'm leaving the bed here. In fact, the only think I'm taking is my television from the bedroom, my laptop, my cell phone, my clothes, shoes and books and of course my new Subaru Forester aka The Buru! I don't care about things anymore. I used to. I stopped a while ago. I used to make so much money it was insane. We never went without, I was like a human cash machine and everyone had my pin code: my kids, my husband, my "friends". I gave and gave and gave until I turned 30 and said, wait, I want to quit on my 36th birthday and focus on genealogy, psychology, my writing, maybe do a radio show. So I saved a lot of money. My 36th birthday was on a Saturday and the following Monday I went to work and gave my boss the keys to the company car, my gas card, my AMEX card, my last expense report, my laptop and told her "I quit." These were the people that generously gave me 4 days off after the murder of my son even though I had more than 12 weeks of vacation time due to me. They thought I had lost my mind, they told me to take a week off and think about it. I said "A week? Really? I didn't even get a week off when Matt was killed. No, I quit. Bye." My sister picked me up and my things were already packed in the back of her car. I was FREE! Free to be the wife I always wanted to be, the mother I wanted to be and to do the things in life I always wanted to do. But when the money left; it seemed that my husbands love took a hiatus as well.
Every fight we have now is money based even though I earn a six figure income FROM HOME! I give away more money then I spend on myself; in fact I look good but I buy my clothes from Target and Walmart...I', rockin that look people LOL! No fancy Versace sandals, no fancy purchases, no jewelry of any kind. I even got rid of my $2,800 Raymond Weil watch. My husband still has his. So I asked him today, is this all about money? If we had like....$2 million dollars, would you love me? He didn't answer me. He didn't have to. I have always taken care of him, the kids, the finances. And now that our income is limited and he has to do more (but does nothing) he is angry. Angry that I quit my job, angry that I do not wish to be a human cash machine anymore.
I have found that even though I financially have less, I have more to give. My husband tells me I give away too much...easy for a person to say who can not even love his own wife of 20 years. I guess if you have never had a lot, money is important. Lee grew up very, very poor and never even knew when or if he would be eating that day. His fears are based on this. I grew up wealthy with a physician father and a mother who was a trauma nurse. I had everything I could have ever asked for financially...cars, money, jewelry, clothes...but I didn't have love. Sadly, neither did Lee. He never knew his biological father and his mother who is German is very distant and cold and has NEVER not one time told him that she loves him. I will hear him say it to her "I love you mom." And she will just walk out of the house and say bye everybody as if he has said nothing. She calls my youngest son Eric, the little one. i keep telling her, "Ohma, his name is Eric. Can you please call him by his name?" She will give you the shirt off her back...but don't try to hug her and don't tell her you love her. There is a part of me that understands my husbands fear, insecurities and his lack of intimacy. He has never seen love. I have never seen love. So how can we love each other?
The day I leave here will be hard. I know I will not cry in front of my kids but when I start driving I might have to pull over before I hit the turnpike. I don't know where I'm going. I know I was asked to leave on October 3rd because that is when my royalty check comes. That is soon. I could hire a lawyer, fight him for the house, fight him on everything...but I don't want to fight. He can have it. He can have it all. I care little for these small victories at this point in my life. Will I miss having a home? Yes. Will I miss my children? Yes? My parents? Yes. But I will not miss the ache of knowing that the man I love, does not love me anymore. That the man I love is asleep on the couch while I lay in our bed tossing and turning just wanting to be held by him. I know I will never marry again because I refuse to look another man in the eye and say the vows I said to Lee Foreman to anyone else. I will be 40 soon. A new chapter in my life is starting, another ending. Actually it ended years ago but I have been too afraid to close the book. I will miss Jacqueline Foreman. I have been her longer than I was Jacqueline Williams. When I am divorced, I think I should just use my first and middle name Jacqueline Susanne. No last name. Because I am not a Williams and I am not a Foreman. I am Jacqueline X. I am nobody anymore.
Raw Sadness fills this house
As the burning of fragrant candles
Is the only form of light.
Beating.
The lonely hearts barely live
As people are torn away from them.
The word family is gone;
replaced with strangers.
Hurt.
A lame duck wife cries herself to happiness
Destroyed.
She swallows pills to hide the pain from herself.
Ashamed.
She cuts the sadness from her unblessed soul.
Her soon to be ex-husband
tells himself that things will turn out fine;
a way for him to sleep at night
even if it's on the couch
Divorce.
An awful yet easy solution;
a way to give up all hope.
A way to replace a family
With strangers.
Who once so deeply loved
with hearts that are now empty.
Today was more of the same. I tried to speak to Lee about working on our marriage, we only ended up arguing more. Nothing has changed, if anything it has gotten worse. He sent me a text message telling me he was sorry...yes a text, instead of coming to me and saying it he sent me a freaking text message. Needless to say I was underwhelemed because this is a pattern with us. I make up my mind to leave and then he sends me an email or a text message saying he doesn't want me to leave and he wants it to work things out...but nothing every changes or gets worked out. Rinse. Cycle. Repeat.
This hurts so much because I do love this man. When I married him on July 27th, I thought it was for keeps. I watched the VHS tape of our justice of the peace wedding the other day. I looked so young--I was 19 and he was so hand some--he was 27. We looked so happy and so in love. I am going to take the VHS tape tomorrow and have it made into a CD because it is getting worn and no matter what, I want to have that tape forever. I want to remember that beautiful, young girl who married her handsome Prince and thought that they would live happily ever after.
I look around this house and all I can do is cry. I have lived here my entire adult life. My husband was at work and I went house shopping with my dad. Lee told me, get any house you want in our price range in the best neighborhood you can but it has to have two things: a two car garage and an in ground sprinkler system. Well guess what? I FOUND THAT HOUSE and we made a bid on it that day and we closed on it within two weeks. The day we moved in it was empty; the moving truck was not there yet and we went downstairs and rolled around on the floor like two crazy people. We had a HOUSE! A beautiful little house in a great area with an excellent school system. Back then it was so much larger than our 2 bedroom apartment because when we moved here it was just me, Lee and our 2 year old son Chris. We never even thought about having more children--yet we went on to have three more!
Well, the house is a lot smaller now, but I still love it. I love sitting on my new couch and watching Tivo and reading books in my favorite chair by the bay windows. I love laying in my Temperpedic bed, I bought it for $5,000 because Lee is a paraplegic and his feet get swollen so I got the one where the feet go up and down so he can raise his feet at night. But he doesn't sleep with me anymore. When I leave, I'm leaving the bed here. In fact, the only think I'm taking is my television from the bedroom, my laptop, my cell phone, my clothes, shoes and books and of course my new Subaru Forester aka The Buru! I don't care about things anymore. I used to. I stopped a while ago. I used to make so much money it was insane. We never went without, I was like a human cash machine and everyone had my pin code: my kids, my husband, my "friends". I gave and gave and gave until I turned 30 and said, wait, I want to quit on my 36th birthday and focus on genealogy, psychology, my writing, maybe do a radio show. So I saved a lot of money. My 36th birthday was on a Saturday and the following Monday I went to work and gave my boss the keys to the company car, my gas card, my AMEX card, my last expense report, my laptop and told her "I quit." These were the people that generously gave me 4 days off after the murder of my son even though I had more than 12 weeks of vacation time due to me. They thought I had lost my mind, they told me to take a week off and think about it. I said "A week? Really? I didn't even get a week off when Matt was killed. No, I quit. Bye." My sister picked me up and my things were already packed in the back of her car. I was FREE! Free to be the wife I always wanted to be, the mother I wanted to be and to do the things in life I always wanted to do. But when the money left; it seemed that my husbands love took a hiatus as well.
Every fight we have now is money based even though I earn a six figure income FROM HOME! I give away more money then I spend on myself; in fact I look good but I buy my clothes from Target and Walmart...I', rockin that look people LOL! No fancy Versace sandals, no fancy purchases, no jewelry of any kind. I even got rid of my $2,800 Raymond Weil watch. My husband still has his. So I asked him today, is this all about money? If we had like....$2 million dollars, would you love me? He didn't answer me. He didn't have to. I have always taken care of him, the kids, the finances. And now that our income is limited and he has to do more (but does nothing) he is angry. Angry that I quit my job, angry that I do not wish to be a human cash machine anymore.
I have found that even though I financially have less, I have more to give. My husband tells me I give away too much...easy for a person to say who can not even love his own wife of 20 years. I guess if you have never had a lot, money is important. Lee grew up very, very poor and never even knew when or if he would be eating that day. His fears are based on this. I grew up wealthy with a physician father and a mother who was a trauma nurse. I had everything I could have ever asked for financially...cars, money, jewelry, clothes...but I didn't have love. Sadly, neither did Lee. He never knew his biological father and his mother who is German is very distant and cold and has NEVER not one time told him that she loves him. I will hear him say it to her "I love you mom." And she will just walk out of the house and say bye everybody as if he has said nothing. She calls my youngest son Eric, the little one. i keep telling her, "Ohma, his name is Eric. Can you please call him by his name?" She will give you the shirt off her back...but don't try to hug her and don't tell her you love her. There is a part of me that understands my husbands fear, insecurities and his lack of intimacy. He has never seen love. I have never seen love. So how can we love each other?
The day I leave here will be hard. I know I will not cry in front of my kids but when I start driving I might have to pull over before I hit the turnpike. I don't know where I'm going. I know I was asked to leave on October 3rd because that is when my royalty check comes. That is soon. I could hire a lawyer, fight him for the house, fight him on everything...but I don't want to fight. He can have it. He can have it all. I care little for these small victories at this point in my life. Will I miss having a home? Yes. Will I miss my children? Yes? My parents? Yes. But I will not miss the ache of knowing that the man I love, does not love me anymore. That the man I love is asleep on the couch while I lay in our bed tossing and turning just wanting to be held by him. I know I will never marry again because I refuse to look another man in the eye and say the vows I said to Lee Foreman to anyone else. I will be 40 soon. A new chapter in my life is starting, another ending. Actually it ended years ago but I have been too afraid to close the book. I will miss Jacqueline Foreman. I have been her longer than I was Jacqueline Williams. When I am divorced, I think I should just use my first and middle name Jacqueline Susanne. No last name. Because I am not a Williams and I am not a Foreman. I am Jacqueline X. I am nobody anymore.
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