The Words Of Joel Osteen

I need to hear this today:

Too many people go around negative and discouraged. They focus on their problems, what they can’t do, and how they’ll never accomplish their dreams. If we’re not careful, that same spirit can rub off on us.

God wants us to have a different kind of spirit, a spirit of faith. When everyone else is complaining and shrinking back in fear, you move forward in faith. Instead of talking defeat, you talk victory. When others are complaining, discouraged and overwhelmed by their problems, you are at peace and full of joy. You have a spring in your step because you know God is in complete control. Even when the giants in our lives look big, we have a different perspective; we know our God is bigger. It may look impossible, but we know God is able.

If you want to make it to your Promise Land and fulfill your God-given destiny, you have to have a different spirit, one that walks by faith and not just by sight. God promises that not only will you be blessed, but your children and descendants will see His blessings, favor and increase!

I Can't Cry Anymore

It is 4 AM almost and I am on my way out to go get a Slurpee from the 7-Eleven. I have been craving ice a lot lately. When you crave or chew ice it is called pica and it usually means you are iron deficient which makes sense with lupus. So I chew ice like crazy or drink frozen drinks.

The house is quite. Everyone is asleep but me...hell even the dog is asleep! Lee is of course on the couch but what's new. He does not want to change, he wants me to change and I have but not enough for him to be happy with me or love me. I have grown tired and I don't even cry that much anymore. He says it doesn't work on him and I said "Idiot, I am not crying for your benefit or your sympathy because I already know you're heartless...I am crying for me so go jump off a bridge or something, please!" He just talks to hear his own voice. He can be the greatest guy or the meanest one and when I leave I will never come back here except to see my children and I will stay in a hotel or at my parents.

I am sad it is over, I had high hope but it is over and he wants it this way or he would seek professional help. His problems r with him he just takes them out on me. It's hard to take.

So, it I am on the radio and sound all happy, it's fake...but it is my job so I do my best. See you on the air tonight at 8 pm EDT with author Sondra Kornblatt, great show! www.blogtalkradio.com/yourmentalhealth

This Is For My Friend Kelly

This post is all about my friend Kelly. Kelly is the kindest, most loving person I have ever known. Like me, she has issues...but like me she is working on them and is gaining ground each day. Kelly is honest, pure and has NEVER wanted anything from me but my friendship. She has never ONCE asked me for a thing...not one favor, not one thing. Even if I offered, she is the type who would say "No, I'm okay...but what do you need?" She is selfless, giving, funny and I am blessed to know her. She may be surprised to know this, but there was a time I was going to quit doing my radio show. I was tired. I was being criticized left and right and it was a lot of work ( and still is!) But then I got a surprise call from Kelly, like God told her "Hey, call Jackie...she needs you." You told me that my show was a blessing, that you loved it and that I was a great host. You told me to keep on going no matter what anyone says. Now almost a year later I have gone from a few thousand listeners to millions all over the world. I receive more love mail than hate mail. And it is all because of you. You are amazing, a brilliant gift put here by God. You are not an accident and you are MORE than your flaws. I have so many flaws I lost count; but you never seem to care do you? You just like me. And Kelly...I like you too. May God bless you, heal you and give you the strength not just to make it through life but to ENJOY it.

I laugh a lot on the radio and with my friend, but with you I can cry. With you I can be me. With you I am safe and all is OK. How many people can say they have a friend like that? Not many. Thank you... Jackie

Who Me? Codependent?

Okay, my name is Jacqueline Foreman and I am completely codependent. So what does it mean to be codependent--each person may have their own definition but this is what the dictionary says:

Codependent: of or pertaining to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.

Now how does this apply to me. I have been married for 21 years so I have not been in a codependent love relationship for a long time, but I do have codependent friendships and that is why some of them do not work out. It is mostly my fault--I will move heaven and earth to make my friends happy because I think they will not like me if I am not doing something for them. I think that just being me is not good enough and I need to do more...give them gifts, knock myself out working for them 24/7 even at the expense of my own health and well being.

I have been this way since I was a kid. I never thought I was good enough, smart enough, funny enough. I was less than and I let people use me and hurt me in some horrible ways. My husband Lee was the first person who liked me when I was broke, 18 and had nothing to offer. He made me who I am--the good parts of me--and that is why our marriage deserves a 2nd, 3rd and 4th chance. He is not a bad man; we have just had a string of tragedies and they have torn us apart. We are changed people. We married one person and now we are different people due to circumstances that were outside of our control.

Now if you are one of my friends and you are reading this don't get all paranoid. When I notice a flaw in myself naturally I want to fix it and this is very problematic for me. For me to think I am not worthy of unless I am knocking myself out for them means I have serious self-esteem issues. This makes me feel terrible and isolated. I even feel this way with certain family members!

So this is what I am doing, I signed up for an online codependency course that comes with a workbook and I am also working with a great self esteem and codpendency expert 1:1. So I hope to be codependent no more in the coming weeks. Friends that truly care about me will like the changes--those that are not true friends will not. All will be revealed.

Tonight the new season of my radio talk show begins. I have a great guest joining me at 8 PM EDT for the hour at www.blogtalkradio.com/yourmentalhealth. Hope you can join us! Jackie

I Am Not A Songwriter

Okay I am a writer, but I am not a songwriter. But Tyka Nelson who is a songwriter (and a good one) has inspired me to write a song todayto praise and honor God. So here it is...

Lord I Know You Understand By Jacqueline S. Foreman
(c) 2009 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

You were there for me
When I needed you most
even though I couldn't see you
I felt you in my heart

My pain was great
my sorrow so deep
I hid it with pills
and thought satan had me beat.
But your love was stronger
because you cherish me
and I don't need a crutch any longer
because you carry me

You are my creator
The King of Kings
My Father, my Maker
The one I praise through everything
I know I have nothing
without your favor
but Lord I've got you with me
in heaven and here on earth
you sent your son to die for me so I could experience re-birth

CHROUS
Lord, you hear me when I pray
you know my thoughts
even when I'm crying so hard, I don know what to say
Lord, you hold me close to you
in the palm of your hand you never let me go
because I know you understand.

Beauty for ashes
now faith is today
I see your greatness
in so many ways
There are times when I think
that you just don't care
when I lose my faith in a moment of dispair
but then I feel
your unwavering love
shining down on me
when I feel like giving up
erasing my doubts
changing my mind
fillling my spirit
with joy and kindness
erasing my fears
sending me a lifeline
drying my tears
telling me you're mine

I may feel like a speck of sand
in the hourglass of time
but to you God, I am so much more
I am a part of your devine plan
You make me feel worthyof living my life
when I feel ugly and dirty
you show me the way
you shine a lightto guide me to better days

Your glory surronds me
like a shield to protect me
from all that will hurt me
for when you are with me
who shall be against me?
Cause man can't curse, what you have already blessed
they can't steal my joyI won't let them
no, no, cause I'm your child
devinely made
I stand before you unafraid
no reason to be afraid
your blessing is upon me
your love is greater
than any love here
your love is forever and that is real

CHROUS
Lord, you hear me when I pray
you know my thoughts even when I'm crying so hard, I don know what to say
Lord, you hold me close to you
in the palm of your hand you never let me go
because I know you understand.

Anger: your love is stronger
Evil: Your Angels protect me
Hatred: I ain't gonna feel it no longer, cause your protection is real
nothing can hurt me as long as I walk with you

CHROUS

Lord, you hear me when I pray
you know my thoughts
even when I'm crying so hard,
I don know what to say
Lord, you hold me close to you
in the palm of your hand you never let me go
because I know you understand.
Lord, you never let me go
because I know...you understand.

Are We Meaner To One Another?

In the three and a half years that I have been a radio talk show host, I have had more than 400 interviews with some very famous people. Some were my friends for the hour, others remain friends with me on a personal level to this day. Out of all of those interviews I only had three difficult ones that I regretted doing—two of them were within the last ten days. I did sit back and think what role I played in the interview meltdown process.

I am not a mean person, in fact I don’t get paid for doing my show and any money I do make I give away to non-profit organizations like NAMI, St. Jude’s or The Lupus Foundation. I began this show out of desperation—many years ago I suffered a horrible loss and I went into a severe, debilitating and crushing depression. I began doing ymhtr because I never wanted anyone to feel like they were alone in their suffering the way I did.

So, why all the anger—the drama—the angst over something that should be a good thing. First I think I started the show with principles that I let slide over the last year or so. Most of my guests that have become friends, whose shows had the highest ratings came on the air not to sell more books or cd’s but because they cared about the show and shared my passion and vision. A guest that comes on to plug a book, cd or any other product has no place on ymhtr because that is not what the show is about.

Do I endorse certain guests books , products or services? Yes, but not without having used them myself, read them myself or listened to them myself. So now here is where the mean part comes in. We are living in an age where we are now over communicating. We have iphones where we can talk, text, tweet, blog or facebook people 24/7. It is a lot easier to be nasty when u r doing it via email or through a representative. We have depersonalized one another, we are no longer hurting people’s feelings because we feel that sending nasty emails dressed up with fancy words isn’t mean, right? We make friends virtually, and now we hurt one another virtually without much thought before we hit the send button. I am as guilty of this as anyone. It is part of our culture…social media. Mad at your friend? Just kick em off of your facebook page and send them a scathing email. How about leaving a nice nasty voicemail so that your rage is the first thing they wake up to in the morning? That outta be real nice. Now trust me, there are some people who need to be kicked off of your facebook page, who need to be cut out of your life…not everyone is going to get along. But the anger, hostility and the “hey it’s just business” attitude is a lot of bs. When you personally attack someone for doing you a favor—it is not just business—it makes u cruel period. And for u to then turn around and tell that person that they r mean and spiteful for reacting to your bad behavior means that u r in a serious denial and may be in need of one of two things; a serious ass whoopin or an etiquette class: perhaps both? So, to all of my facebook friends, blog readers, radio listeners, fellow tweeters I say to u in the words of the brillian philosopher Rodney King: “can’t we all just get along?” I am going to try. It doesn’t mean that I will always succeed or that I will let people walk all over me like a doormat or make me feel that they r more than and I am less than because 20 years ago they were associated with someone well known. But it does mean that I will not let their ugliness become my ugliness, that I will not make them feel in the right by telling them they r wrong. They already know they r wrong and that is why they r so darn angry. Everyone walks around thinking that they r great, that they don’t hurt others intentionally and that they are being persecuted at every turn but newsflash…if out of 400 interviews I had 60 conflicts, 100—I’d say that I was the one with the problem. Many years ago in my 20’s this would have been the case.

My brother said I was like a wolverine. He was right. But to have 3 conflicts out of more than 400 interviews means I am doing okay, and I am pleased with my work and the emails, phone calls and letters I receive from so many listeners of ymhtr make my day. I think I have the nicest listeners on blogtalk because we r all united in many ways whether it be depression, anxiety, addiction, low self-esteem, bereavement or just a plain loss of joy for life—we have all walked a mile in the others shoes. I cannot say the same for the three guests who were problematic and whose shows are no longer a part of my archives. Another great invention aside from the iphone is the delete key. If someone sends u something negative, delete it—don’t read it—and hey, you don’t even have to respond to them. Why give them the satisfaction—a person can live in a 20 MM dollar mansion, drive a rolls Royce, go to church every Sunday, be a bestselling author, an actor, a producer and still be a complete jackass. Fame and money is not a precursor to how courteous or kind someone is going to be. I have found that out the hard way folks. We tend to idolize people in our society who know the right people or who own a lot of nice things. But we came into this world with nothing and guess what? We’re leaving it the same way. Everything u think u own, u only rent. But let me tell ya, I grew up rich—I made an obscene amount of money in my 20’s and 30’s and I was joyless.

Now I make less, I have less friends—but the quality of the friendships are better. I am not a big bible person but I do like the quote that says that it is easier for a camel to pass thru the eye of a needle than for a rich man to make it into the kingdom of Heaven. I also like the saying take the beam out of your own eye before you take the splinter from mine. Now, don’t get me wrong, being rich is not bad—In fact, I rather enjoyed it—and even now I love to buy presents for my friends and see them smile. It makes me feel good to make other people happy. And yes, yesterday I bought myself an iphone. But let us all remember that on the other side of our emails, there are real people with real feelings. You do not own the market on hurt feelings—if you are unhappy with how something turned out—thank the person and in your own mind just say well, I don’t think I’ll be doing that again.

But to lash out at someone who was trying to help u, trying to do good for u and others and then pouting about it later makes u the fool. When u try to play me, u only end up playing yourself. Yeah, I stole that quote from someone…he knows who he is…and he was right. So in the end, have we gotten meaner to one another? The answer is yes. Why? Because we can and humans often will do what they can get away with 9 times outta 10. So, if you r listening to this show and u are scheduled to be a guest this month, October or November just a few pointers—it is a talk show so u have to talk…if u don’t I’m going to overshadow u by a country mile. Second, listen to shows I have done in the past, do your homework on me as I do mine on you and lastly, don’t just listen to the shows with the celebrities. Those r fun shows but the best shows r the ones done by guests like Elyn Saks, Janet Conner, Barb Rogers Brad Scriber, Raymond Moody, Irv Yalom, E. Torrey Fuller and others. Also, if you listen to the show and u don’t like my radio style; it’s okay not to listen—in fact I ask that you do not to listen—I don’t need to hear what I’m doing wrong when I am having fun. I am doing this for me, and for the memory of a loved one and for all of those that need to hear a kind voice that makes them laugh, even when I thought I’d never laugh again. Well we have some great shows coming up, the new season on ymhtr begins Monday at 8 pm et with barb rogers and it’s gonna be a whole lotta fun. So join us here on ymhtr talk radio for your mind, body, spirit and soul. And remember, only nice people are invited to the party. Until next time I wish u all a good day and good health…

Get Over Yourself Already

I recently did a radio show with someone who was such a pain in the neck, I regretted scheduling her the very next day and wanted to cancel. In fact, several people told me to cancel. But I didn't listen. I did the show anyway. Now, even if you do a media event i.e. a television show, radio show etc. and you didn't love it, you thank the host and in the back of your mind you go "Well, I won't do that again." Instead this person said the show did not go the direction that she wanted it to go and many of her fans complained about it. Fans? This person has fans? Okay, well I can tell you that 1.5 MM people listened to that show to date and I received over 300 emails telling me how much they enjoyed the interview with this person. So, I told her manger (who I don't think has managed a person in her life) since she did not like the show, it would be deleted. I deleted it, thanked them and wished them "all the best in the future" but her manager and the guest (who I think need Prozac, Xanax or both) went ballistic and said that I needed to re-read her email, that there was no reason to delete the show. Okay, the guest hated it, she said her fans hated it...so why would they care if I deleted it? They said it stunk. I guess instead of micromanaging my show, the guest should get one of her own perhaps? I have over 5 MM listeners, that is not an accident. I have great guests and this is only the 3rd disappointing person I have run across in over 480 interviews to date. Not bad at all. So the show is deleted, I asked both of them to not email or text me anymore and I hope that they stay on their meds and leave me alone. She said I was a terrible and mean person...I actually laughed when I read that. I love how people email u, insult u and when u react u are suddenly the bad person. She did say she would pray for me though so I am deeply touched (OK, I'm not but--whatever). I told her if hating me helps her get through the day, hate away...I'm going through so much I just don't care. This person is totally musically irrelevant but thinks she's Diana Ross or something...wow. Head trip!! I would say she's a Diva...but she's just a plain old "b". No way around it...sorry. So the show is gone and if I'm lucky she will crawl back into whatever hole she crawled out of and I will not have to hear her voice ever again. That is my prayer for today~AMEN!

From Family To Strangers

From Family To Strangers

Raw Sadness fills this house
As the burning of fragrant candles
Is the only form of light.
Beating.
The lonely hearts barely live
As people are torn away from them.
The word family is gone;
replaced with strangers.

Hurt.
A lame duck wife cries herself to happiness
Destroyed.
She swallows pills to hide the pain from herself.
Ashamed.
She cuts the sadness from her unblessed soul.
Her soon to be ex-husband
tells himself that things will turn out fine;
a way for him to sleep at night
even if it's on the couch

Divorce.
An awful yet easy solution;
a way to give up all hope.
A way to replace a family
With strangers.
Who once so deeply loved
with hearts that are now empty.

Today was more of the same. I tried to speak to Lee about working on our marriage, we only ended up arguing more. Nothing has changed, if anything it has gotten worse. He sent me a text message telling me he was sorry...yes a text, instead of coming to me and saying it he sent me a freaking text message. Needless to say I was underwhelemed because this is a pattern with us. I make up my mind to leave and then he sends me an email or a text message saying he doesn't want me to leave and he wants it to work things out...but nothing every changes or gets worked out. Rinse. Cycle. Repeat.

This hurts so much because I do love this man. When I married him on July 27th, I thought it was for keeps. I watched the VHS tape of our justice of the peace wedding the other day. I looked so young--I was 19 and he was so hand some--he was 27. We looked so happy and so in love. I am going to take the VHS tape tomorrow and have it made into a CD because it is getting worn and no matter what, I want to have that tape forever. I want to remember that beautiful, young girl who married her handsome Prince and thought that they would live happily ever after.

I look around this house and all I can do is cry. I have lived here my entire adult life. My husband was at work and I went house shopping with my dad. Lee told me, get any house you want in our price range in the best neighborhood you can but it has to have two things: a two car garage and an in ground sprinkler system. Well guess what? I FOUND THAT HOUSE and we made a bid on it that day and we closed on it within two weeks. The day we moved in it was empty; the moving truck was not there yet and we went downstairs and rolled around on the floor like two crazy people. We had a HOUSE! A beautiful little house in a great area with an excellent school system. Back then it was so much larger than our 2 bedroom apartment because when we moved here it was just me, Lee and our 2 year old son Chris. We never even thought about having more children--yet we went on to have three more!

Well, the house is a lot smaller now, but I still love it. I love sitting on my new couch and watching Tivo and reading books in my favorite chair by the bay windows. I love laying in my Temperpedic bed, I bought it for $5,000 because Lee is a paraplegic and his feet get swollen so I got the one where the feet go up and down so he can raise his feet at night. But he doesn't sleep with me anymore. When I leave, I'm leaving the bed here. In fact, the only think I'm taking is my television from the bedroom, my laptop, my cell phone, my clothes, shoes and books and of course my new Subaru Forester aka The Buru! I don't care about things anymore. I used to. I stopped a while ago. I used to make so much money it was insane. We never went without, I was like a human cash machine and everyone had my pin code: my kids, my husband, my "friends". I gave and gave and gave until I turned 30 and said, wait, I want to quit on my 36th birthday and focus on genealogy, psychology, my writing, maybe do a radio show. So I saved a lot of money. My 36th birthday was on a Saturday and the following Monday I went to work and gave my boss the keys to the company car, my gas card, my AMEX card, my last expense report, my laptop and told her "I quit." These were the people that generously gave me 4 days off after the murder of my son even though I had more than 12 weeks of vacation time due to me. They thought I had lost my mind, they told me to take a week off and think about it. I said "A week? Really? I didn't even get a week off when Matt was killed. No, I quit. Bye." My sister picked me up and my things were already packed in the back of her car. I was FREE! Free to be the wife I always wanted to be, the mother I wanted to be and to do the things in life I always wanted to do. But when the money left; it seemed that my husbands love took a hiatus as well.

Every fight we have now is money based even though I earn a six figure income FROM HOME! I give away more money then I spend on myself; in fact I look good but I buy my clothes from Target and Walmart...I', rockin that look people LOL! No fancy Versace sandals, no fancy purchases, no jewelry of any kind. I even got rid of my $2,800 Raymond Weil watch. My husband still has his. So I asked him today, is this all about money? If we had like....$2 million dollars, would you love me? He didn't answer me. He didn't have to. I have always taken care of him, the kids, the finances. And now that our income is limited and he has to do more (but does nothing) he is angry. Angry that I quit my job, angry that I do not wish to be a human cash machine anymore.

I have found that even though I financially have less, I have more to give. My husband tells me I give away too much...easy for a person to say who can not even love his own wife of 20 years. I guess if you have never had a lot, money is important. Lee grew up very, very poor and never even knew when or if he would be eating that day. His fears are based on this. I grew up wealthy with a physician father and a mother who was a trauma nurse. I had everything I could have ever asked for financially...cars, money, jewelry, clothes...but I didn't have love. Sadly, neither did Lee. He never knew his biological father and his mother who is German is very distant and cold and has NEVER not one time told him that she loves him. I will hear him say it to her "I love you mom." And she will just walk out of the house and say bye everybody as if he has said nothing. She calls my youngest son Eric, the little one. i keep telling her, "Ohma, his name is Eric. Can you please call him by his name?" She will give you the shirt off her back...but don't try to hug her and don't tell her you love her. There is a part of me that understands my husbands fear, insecurities and his lack of intimacy. He has never seen love. I have never seen love. So how can we love each other?

The day I leave here will be hard. I know I will not cry in front of my kids but when I start driving I might have to pull over before I hit the turnpike. I don't know where I'm going. I know I was asked to leave on October 3rd because that is when my royalty check comes. That is soon. I could hire a lawyer, fight him for the house, fight him on everything...but I don't want to fight. He can have it. He can have it all. I care little for these small victories at this point in my life. Will I miss having a home? Yes. Will I miss my children? Yes? My parents? Yes. But I will not miss the ache of knowing that the man I love, does not love me anymore. That the man I love is asleep on the couch while I lay in our bed tossing and turning just wanting to be held by him. I know I will never marry again because I refuse to look another man in the eye and say the vows I said to Lee Foreman to anyone else. I will be 40 soon. A new chapter in my life is starting, another ending. Actually it ended years ago but I have been too afraid to close the book. I will miss Jacqueline Foreman. I have been her longer than I was Jacqueline Williams. When I am divorced, I think I should just use my first and middle name Jacqueline Susanne. No last name. Because I am not a Williams and I am not a Foreman. I am Jacqueline X. I am nobody anymore.

I Quit!

I just spent three hours trying to talk to my husband Lee about saving our marriage. What a waste of my time! It is now 4:15 AM and nothing has been resolved. We owe about $8,000 on back bills and with my income we could catch up by 10/10, but at this point I am thinking that I need my money to move and he is going to have to man up and figure out how to pay the bills. I have been providing for him financially for years and I am tired of it. He blames me for everything...everything that is wrong is because of me. All I have ever wanted from this man since 1986 has been his love, and in the 20 years we have been married he has been cold, distant and unloving. He does not hold me, kiss me, take me out, spend time with me or talk to me. We live in the same house but rarely sleep in the same bed. He sleeps on the coach...he says it's not on purpose he just falls asleep. Yeah, right. I have gone out there at 11 PM and said hey, you're falling asleep come to bed and he says OK. The next morning I wake up alone as always. Now when he does sleep in the bed it is actually annoying because I'm used to having it all to myself.

Tonight he came up with 100 reasons why things were not working with us and I came up with 101 ways we could make it better. But he doesn't WANT to make it better. I am done fighting him. I am going to file the divorce papers we had drawn up on 10/3 and then I am moving out. I do not want to hurt my children, but this environment is abusive and letting them see us this way is more wrong then splitting up. If he losses the home (which his mom will not let happen, he always has a woman to rescue him) then they can come live with me, but I am leaving the state. He can live in an apartment and as a disabled person he can get a ton of financial assistance that I can not get even though I am sicker than he is!


When I leave here I told him I will never be back. It will not be like last time. I will not call him, I will not accept his calls and I do not care if he is living in a box over a grate in Philly. I have done my best to make this marriage work over the last few years, but he does not want it to. He wins. He wins a life without me in it. May it make him as happy and peaceful as he thinks it will because I assure you it will not. He is a fool. But how much do you want to bet he will be remarried in about a year and I will be alone forever? That's how these things work, right? Well, I will miss my home--I have lived here since I was 19. I will miss my children on a daily basis, my parents...but I need to do this for me. I am dying inside and it hurts more and more each day. Jackie

The Sleepy Blogger

This is all I have to say tonight...I am sooooooo sleepy I need to go to bed. Taking some Ambien and passing out kids. Have a great Sunday, be good and I'll catch you all on the air on Monday night with author Stephen Braude who wrote a great book on life after death called Immortal Remains. He is a PhD and also a professor so the book offers more questions than answers but it was a fascinating read. Hope u will join us at 8 PM ET live or archived www.blogtalkradio.com/yourmentalhealth

Jackie

Excuse Me? Do I Know You?

Okay. I have been thinking about this for months...maybe years...but today it really hit me hard so I thought why not blog about it? Put it out there. Maybe I'm the only person who feels this way...maybe I'm just a weirdo, who knows? I was speaking to someone who is extremely intelligent today and we started to talk about the death of my son Matthew and then about God. He told me that people love other people, other things i.e. possessions, money, fame--more than they love God and that as long as they continue to do this they will get their heart broken. He said that women constantly will say to him "I don't understand why my man left me! I loved him more than anything and now he broke my heart!" But, had this woman put God first and her man second, he could not have broken her heart because the natural order is God, family, work and everything else. If your life is aligned in this way then your heart can not be broken. Okay, so it sounds like it makes a WHOLE lotta sense, again, this man is brilliant and he walks the walk, he does not just talk the talk.

But when my son died my heart WAS broken and even though I have healed a lot since his murder in January 2000, I will always hurt because he is not here with me and not knowing what happens to us after we die (but having a pretty good idea I think from speaking to biblical scholars, Irv Yalom, Raymond Moody and many others) I can only surmise that he is with God, with my other relatives that have also died and that he is happy. After all, thinking anything else would make this insomniac an even worse insomniac. I don't want to have to wonder "Where are you my son?" like I did in the first days after his death. I felt that I had abandoned him, like I was a terrible mother. I felt like I should be dead too.

But I have to wonder, in order to love God more than anyone else in your life you have to know him personally. It's like my next door neighbor. I've lived next to this guy for 20 years but we never say hello, never exchange phone numbers, never talk really, I don't even know how old he is, where his kids go to college or what he does for a living or if he still even works...wouldn't it be difficult to say that I love this neighbor, this stranger; more than I love my children, more than my friends, more than my parents or siblings?

I guess for me God is that unknown neighbor...I understand he lives right next door to me, but I don't talk to him and he has never given me his direct number nor have I given him mine. I have no idea what he does each day or how he does it. I do not concern myself with those things because I think they are beyond me.

When my daughter almost died from a fall in 1999, my neighbors daughters did come over and give my little girl a teddy bear, that was sweet. But, it was also almost 11 years ago. Now if my neighbor were killed in a terrible accident, or even died of natural causes, I would be devastated. I would visit his family and give them my condolences and pray for them and for the soul of my deceased neighbor...yet when the man was living I didn't have a thing to say to him. Not in 20 years. Nor did he have anything to say to me.

So many of my friends have given me beautiful scriptures to read from the Bible; Bo, Tyka, Pastor Bob, Joel Osteen, Creflo Dollar. And have I read the Bible? Yes. More than once and I also have listened to it on a device that is very cool called Go Bible...love that thing! (Google it...LOL)

Can I do a search and find a passage to comfort me at times? Sure. But do I understand the Bible completely? No. In truth I will just put it out there and say that I think the Bible is probably the most boring book I have ever read and Jesus doesn't even make an appearance until like 900 pages in! (Okay, maybe sooner but still...he's not in it a whole lot, less than I thought) Things I thought were in the Bible were not, things I thought were not in the Bible were. It is filled with violence, incest and some other stuff that I could really do without, I mean seriously.

I am not being silly or making fun of religion. I am a Christian and I went to an Episcopal school my entire life and then to a Catholic College in Pennsylvania. My dad's family was hardcore Seventh Day Adventist and my mother's father was a Baptist Minister who graduated from Moody Bible Institute in Chicago (now Moody Bible College) and he was a missionary. My mother even lived on an Indian reservation when she was growing up. I attended church for years until I became ill and now I attend church online by watching Joel Osteen's live services and Creflo Dollar's live services. I go to double church. I tithe to both churches. I don't think I have to physically be "in church" to learn or to worship with millions of people who are online with me from all over the world. I think it's pretty awesome.

We are all seekers. But I can tell you that I am not always sure what I am seeking. Do I want a personal relationship with God? YES! But, honestly, I don't really have a personal relationship with my parents and I have have seen and spoken to them 3-4 times a week since I moved out to get married when I was 18 (that was almost 22 years ago!!) and I've known them for 40 years! I have been married to my husband for 21 years and we are on the verge of divorce, we do not speak and we rarely see one another even though we live in the same home! If I can't have a personal relationship with people I can see; with people I can talk to, hold, hug, kiss, commune with--how in the world can I have a personal relationship with someone I have never seen...at least that I can really remember anyway?

I know there is a God...I know it as sure as I know anything; but am I sure of how to love him more than my children, more than my parents, more than my siblings and friends? I want to say YES...but I am not there yet. A thousand people can respond to this post and tell me how to have a personal relationship with God, but you know what? Only I can do that for myself. It is not something anyone else can do for me even if they wanted to. That much I have learned.

Has God been with me during the most awful times of my life...yes, I have felt him in a way that I will never be able to explain with just words because there are no words to explain the love I felt coming from him into my heart when I hurt the most. Do I love God? Yes. Does God love me? I hope so; I think he does...I can be unloveable at times...ask my husband right? But, I have to tell you, that my life has been quite challenging and maybe it is because God is saying "Look idiot! I'm right here! I'm next to you Jackie...all you have to do is take my hand and life will get easier. What is wrong with you woman? I am RIGHT HERE!"

Well, I don't know what is wrong with me. If just believing in God is enough to get me to heaven, I'll get there. I hope God understands that not everyone can grasp these concepts so easily. I have ADHD, In high school I couldn't even open my own locker because I could never remember the combination so I would constantly go to class with no books. In high school I was the world's worst student, in college I had a 3.8 GPA. Why? Because I learned how to work around my disability. When I met with the financial aid officer at my college and she looked at my SAT scores she looked at me like I was an alien. Then she said "If I wasn't speaking with you and heard for myself how bright you are...I would think you were slow." I blinked and said "Ahhh...slow? Really?Why is that?" And she responded, "On your SAT's you got a PERFECT score on the Verbal section...not one mistake, but in math...you received the lowest score I have EVER seen." Needless to say, I am a genealogist, author, publicist and radio talk show host. I steer clear of math unless it's percents...I can do percentages in my head like a human calculator LOL! I am the one who always figures out the tip, knows how much something is if it is 35% off, etc.

But, I digress...back to God. I am in a class right now, a teleclass and we have to come up with a Covenant for ourselves. I don't know all the parts of my Covenant yet, but I know one part will be "To have a personal relationship with God." I want God's home number, cell number, email address and website. And as a backup I'll take Gabriel's info as well, just in case I need to leave a message. I want to be able to reach God 24/7 and I want God to be able to reach me 24/7. I want to be his friend, I want to love him as much as I think he loves me. I want to finish my course with Pastor Bob at Christian Living Ministries not to become a Pastor for others but for MYSELF. I want to understand God, not just in theory but in my life. I want to know what Tyka is talking about when she sings the song Joy. I know the words, I sing them...but I do not know that joy that she is singing about. Clueless over here. I want to know. I really do. But again, it is something I must seek and find for myself and I'd better hurry because from what I understand I may be running out of time and if believing in God is not enough...I won't be seeing a lot of you at the end of days will I? I'll be hanging out with some crazy dude named Lucifer...not cool. I think that would be a bit unfair because I am a good person. But I guess that it takes more than being a good, kind person to get into heaven...at least that is what I was taught in school. Honestly, I just don't know people and I am not ashamed to say it...I just don't have all the answers yet. Maybe I never will. Maybe there are somethings we just are not meant to know? Jackie

And Miles To Go Before I Sleep...

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
By Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there's some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

This poem by Robert Frost really resonates with me. I always feel that I want to stop and smell the roses, yet there is always so much that I have promised to do I rarely have time to even be ill even though I suffer from lupus and a few other autoimmune illnesses. I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. I can tell you that today for the first time in a while I felt really awful. No energy. Like a rag doll. Bu I still worked on two projects, did my spiritual geography work and my soul writing (see Janet LOL!) and took my son to his college class today since his car is on the fritz and nobody drives mommy's car but mommy! House rules.

It is only 8:15, but I feel like it is midnight and I am going to go to bed now. I may wake up at 4 AM, but it will be quite for at least 2 hours before the kids get up for school and I can continue to get some work done. There are some days I need to take naps...yes like I'm a 90 year old woman! What 39 year old needs to take a NAP! I am so frustrated with being chronically ill and even though my well meaning friends have told me that I am healed I'm here to tell you, I am not Am I better? Oh, God yes! And praise Jesus for that...this time last year I could barely sit up on my own let alone travel and do the things I'm doing now. But things that used to take little or no effort, take so much effort now. When I come home from a business trip, I am pretty much out of commission for two entire weeks, period. It happens every time. I know lupus and my other illnesses cause fatigue...but this is outrageous and just imagining living this way another 10 years or so does not bring a smile to my face, that's for sure. But I'm alive, I'm here and yes God...I am grateful even when I complain, feel horrible and can not lift my head off of the pillow. So for all of you that are healthy; praise God for your continued health. I never thought at 37 I would become so ill and that it would change my life so drastically. Life throws us many curve balls, the only thing we can do is close our eyes and swing the bat...praying for a base hit or maybe even a home run. Stay Blessed! Jacqueline Foreman

Some Of My Favorite Poems

Google these...they are worth your time if you have never read them!! You can also heard them read aloud on Youtube...

The Mother By Gwendolyn Brooks (1917-2000)

Phonomenal Woman By Maya Angelou (1928-)

Life Is Fine By Langston Hughes (1902-1967)
Dream By Langston Hughes

Letting Go Of Fear

Today I admitted to a good friend that I sometimes procrastinate not because I am lazy, but because I am filled with fear. I will be 40 in November, and I can tell you in my 20's I was fearless. So what happened? I suppose life happened. I am afraid of failure. Not failing for myself, but failing the people I love: my friends, my children, my parents. Yes, at 40 years old, I am filled with fear. I am afraid to fly. I am afraid to drive. I am afraid to live. Now, do I fly? Yes. Do I drive. Yes. Do I live? Probably more than most. But it does not mean that I am not afraid because I am. But I feel the fear and I do it anyway. I guess that what I need to do is let go and let God. I need to release my fears and understand that whatever happens is not mine to control. In fact, when I try to control things I end up controlling nothing and accomplishing nothing as well.

So how does one go about letting go of fear? For a time it was easy. I went to my doctor and he gave me a drug called Xanax. It was great! Take two of these and you just don't give a damn anymore do you? Add a little Valium to that, perhaps with an Ativan chaser and your fears and troubles seem so far away you don't even know your own name anymore. But I quickly found that this was the wrong way of dealing with my fears. There is no pill that in the long run can keep you from you. Because no matter where you go you take you with you. So a little drug rehab and voila, no more pills but the fears...they were back and stronger than ever. "What if you promised to do this and you can't deliver?" "What happens if you can't buy Eric that Les Paul he's had his eye on all year for his birthday because a client didn't pay me on time?" "What if my husband does leave me?" "What if...what if...what if?" Fear. Fear. Fear,

It's no way to live. So I spoke to another friend and he led me to some scripture that was very helpful. "The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want." Not I shall not need...I shall not want, for all my needs are already being met in God's time. Am I the worlds most conventional spiritual person...ahhhh....no. Am I spiritual? Do I believe in God? Yes, with all of my heart. I have felt him, more in my sorrowful moments than my joyous ones--but he is always there isn't he? Tonight I was involved in a teleseminar with author Janet Conner and she said, "God. You shine the light and I will follow." Those words were so beautiful to me. So I will say, "God, you shine the light and I will follow...wherever it leads me."

I want to release my fears. I want to throw them into the wind and have them fly away like sand in the wind (hopefully none of it will fly back and land in my eye...LOL!) So goodbye fear. I release you, I weed you from my garden and replace you with love, hope and harmony.

So You Want To Work From Home?

Everyone always tells me how lucky I am to work from home. I used to think so too, until about a year ago when I realized that when you work from home there is NO clear division between work time and home time. Because of this I end up working in excess of 16 hours a day Monday through Saturday with Sunday being my only day of rest and even then I'm going to church.

Also when you work from home, you receive about 300 emails a day that are all "URGENT" and must be answered ASAP and u receive about 50 phone calls a day in addition to making at least another 50 of your own that usually go to voicemail...and naturally when the individual calls u back u are on the phone again and it becomes a never-ending game of phone tag.

So, if u work from home like I do you must set ground rules so here are some I am making for myself starting tonight!

1. I will only work 8-9 hours a day. End of story. If I begin at 11 AM I am done at 7 PM and if any of my clients are in LA they will have to get a return call the next day. No more 4 AM phone calls for me...I need some sleep! If I have an 8 PM radio show it will be one hour only so I will be finished by 9 PM ET.

2. Beginning in the new year I will only be on the air twice a week...no matter how GREAT the guest may be. I can't be a publicist, editor, author, mother and talk show host 6 days a week, it only makes my lupus flare up more.

3. I'm going to spend more time with my family and less time working or thinking about working!

4. I am going to start going away for vacations and holidays without my laptop and cell phone at least 3 weeks out of the year.

5. I am going to stop missing doctors appointments because I am so wrapped up in work I forget about them and end up getting sicker.

6. I'm going to take naps during the day if I'm tired no matter what people think and will be turning off my phone. Any hours spent napping can be added to my 8 hour work day so no harm, no foul!

7. I REFUSE to work during the holidays this year...it's just not gonna happen...sorry.

So if you want to work from home, lay down some ground rules for yourself, take care of yourself and don't blur the lines between your home and your work space like I have done for years. This is probably half the reason I'm sick most of the time...I forget about taking care of myself. So, don't forget you and remember, there is something to be said for getting paid every two weeks LOL! I work harder now than I ever did for my employer! Jackie

People Pleasing: The Big Mistake We All Make

Okay everyone...have u ever tried to make everyone in your life happy but no matter what it never seems to work? I can not tell you how many times I have tried to make my parents happy, my sibilings happy, my kids happy, my husband happy and my friends happy...all to no avail. I always end up doing something wrong, even if my intentions are good. So I've learned something in this last year. It came to me when I was in the hospital last July on life support...yes that's right...life support. I was 38 and they told my family I was done...toast...not going home and that I would be dead in a matter of days. They asked my husband if he wanted to take me off of life support and just "let me go". Now keep in mind, at the time we were estranged, but he loved me enought to say "No, give her time. She is a fighter." We discussed 100 times that if I was ever on a ventilator that he would take me off because I am so claustrophobic the idea of having a tube shoved down my throat does not make me happy. I even had a DNR and a living will. But he left me on life support for three weeks even though they asked him daily to take me off.

And then one day...I woke up. I didn't know where I was and I instinctively reached for the tube and tried to pull it out of my throat. My husband and Dad held my hands down and they screamed for a nurse. I couldn't talk and when I would cough or gag a bell went off like a phone was ringing...that was weird. I wanted to pull that thing out so bad. I just remember tears streaming down my face and when the nurses and doctors ran in they could NOT believe that I was awake but trying to yank the ventilator out of my throat LOL! I remember my dad being so happy and relieved and Lee said "I told you she was a fighter."

I spent two more days on that horrible vent and then they finally took it out and four days later I went home. I have lost about 3 years of my life...not just the six weeks I was out of it. I have to use a navigational system just to get around my own neighborhood where I purchased my home at 19 (I am now 39!) But...I am ALIVE.

So when I was in that state between being here and not being here I had strange "dreams". Or, maybe they were not dreams at all? I remember being told that I was not put on this earth to please anyone but God and that he loved me and was pleased with me (man, was I happy to hear that!!) In fact he was so pleased that he was sending me back to continue doing my radio show. Yes, God wants me to air a show on Mental Health LOL! I have NO IDEA why but I keep doing it and people keep listening...more than I can even imagine at times!

I'm sure he may not like all my guest choices, but I'm sure he knows that I can only discuss suicide and depression for so long before I have to lighten up and have someone like LaMont Sanford on i.e. actor Demond Wilson! I was also told that I take things too seriously, that I need to laugh more...make others laugh and "lighten up" that I was way too intense. Hmmm....well I am a Scorpio and I can be pretty intense. So either I was delusional while I was in my little coma or I was really talking to someone...you decide.

I think someone was actually talking to me and preparing me to "come back" and continue the work I was put here to do. Love others, even the unlovable. Love myself. Love God. Love my family and friends. Trust that everything happens for a reason. Don't try to be a people pleaser. I hope that you do not have to go into a coma to learn the lessons that I did...and I pray that you are never on a ventilator, they are God awful machines! And if you have the time I want to suggest something to you. I have a friend who is an author and she wrote a book called Writing Down Your Soul: How To Activate and Listen to The Extrodinary Voice Within. The website is at http://www.writingdownyoursoul.com/ This is NOT simply a book about journaling or blogging...it is soooo much more than that. She aired on my show on July 27th (my 20th wedding anniversary) here is the link, she was marvelous: http://tinyurl.com/ku98hh I use her method at least 4 times a week, sometime more in my own private journal. It is an AMAZING spiritual process.

But, right now I am getting ready for her to come back on the air with me to discuss her Spiritual Geography Series on September 28th at 8 PM ET. I am going through the process now and it is VERY eye opening and has changed me a lot even though I still have so much more to do. There are three work books and a lot of info on the website. It is a life changing experience to say the least. You can find out more about Spiritual Geography at http://www.spiritualgeography.com/ it looks overwhelming at first but it really isn't once u start working with it and use the website with the books. Tune in to the show on September 28th again at 8 PM ET to find out more and add Janet Conner as a friend on face book...she is quite a lady and someone I have learned a lot from...no more people pleasing! Thank you Janet...I am FREE!!! Jackie Foreman

My First Post: Weeding Your Friendship Garden

My name is Jacqueline Foreman and I am just an ordinary girl from New Jersey who happens to lead an extraordinary life. I am blessed with three wonderful children who are 13, 16 and 20 and even though my marriage is not the best right now I have faith that it will either come back together...or end on friendly terms. You can't be with someone for 20+ years and hate them can you? In my case the answer is no. Even if the marriage ends, I will always care for him. He is a good man and the things that we have had to endure have pulled us apart...it happens.

So why is my life extraordinary? The first reason is that I have some of the most incredible friends a person could ever hope to have. Most of them are musicians like Tyka Nelson (my other half LOL), Kevin McGee, Valencia Bey and others like my great friend Paolo Seganti who is a great actor and author who now portrays Damien Grimaldi on As The World Turns and Clarence Stevens from Blues Web Radio in Gary, IN. I have other friends who are not famous...but to me they are like Dina Aweida Everling, Marilyn Rivera, Sheryl Abdelazim (who is also my big sister), Tony Johnson, Jr., Reese P., Bo Hurdle, Michael Carbone, Michael Dean, Kathleen Campbell, Alison Ray, Kathy Anderson, Dr. Peter Breggin, Dr. Susie M., Cliff and so many others I can not list them all. These are my true friends; the ones that have my back even when they don't need anything from me. They call me just to say hello or email or text me a line or two at least weekly if not more.

I am a published and successful romance and freelance author, a genealogist, a paranormal seeker and investigator, a publicist to five awesome clients (can not take any more!!) and I host my own radio show where I have interviewed some of the most amazing people on the planet!

After the death of my son in January 2000, life looked pretty bleak and when my husband and I separated in 2004 even bleaker. I thought I would never laugh again; that God had turned his back on me...that I had done something terribly wrong. But now, I know that all things happen for a reason. Someone (u know who u r) very smart told me some people are in your life for a reason, some for a season and others for a lifetime. I am weeding my garden, pulling out the "bad" friends by the roots and spending time with the real ones who love me just because...who laugh at my stupid jokes and who really get me and care for me. Life is too short and with lupus, mine may be shorter than I had anticipated. But, I feel great,and thanks to Tyka I feel beautiful again; and I am just ready to live life to the fullest until the day they unplug me LOL!

Airing a music show tonight in tribute to Andy Gibb at 9 PM ET, next Tuesday I am being joined live for the hour by Ingrid Chavez to discuss her new CD A Flutter And Some Words and to play the first single from herCD which drops on October 6th and I will be interviewing Demond Wilson on Friday September 11th at 8 PM ET...he was LaMont Sanford from Sanford & Son...F-U-N people. So join me at www.blogtalkradio.com/yourmentalhealth talk radio for your mind, body, spirit and soul and join my blog and see how a regular girl from Jersey is making the most of her life each day even when she feels rotten sometimes! Stay Blessed! Jackie Foreman