Letting Go Of Fear

Today I admitted to a good friend that I sometimes procrastinate not because I am lazy, but because I am filled with fear. I will be 40 in November, and I can tell you in my 20's I was fearless. So what happened? I suppose life happened. I am afraid of failure. Not failing for myself, but failing the people I love: my friends, my children, my parents. Yes, at 40 years old, I am filled with fear. I am afraid to fly. I am afraid to drive. I am afraid to live. Now, do I fly? Yes. Do I drive. Yes. Do I live? Probably more than most. But it does not mean that I am not afraid because I am. But I feel the fear and I do it anyway. I guess that what I need to do is let go and let God. I need to release my fears and understand that whatever happens is not mine to control. In fact, when I try to control things I end up controlling nothing and accomplishing nothing as well.

So how does one go about letting go of fear? For a time it was easy. I went to my doctor and he gave me a drug called Xanax. It was great! Take two of these and you just don't give a damn anymore do you? Add a little Valium to that, perhaps with an Ativan chaser and your fears and troubles seem so far away you don't even know your own name anymore. But I quickly found that this was the wrong way of dealing with my fears. There is no pill that in the long run can keep you from you. Because no matter where you go you take you with you. So a little drug rehab and voila, no more pills but the fears...they were back and stronger than ever. "What if you promised to do this and you can't deliver?" "What happens if you can't buy Eric that Les Paul he's had his eye on all year for his birthday because a client didn't pay me on time?" "What if my husband does leave me?" "What if...what if...what if?" Fear. Fear. Fear,

It's no way to live. So I spoke to another friend and he led me to some scripture that was very helpful. "The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want." Not I shall not need...I shall not want, for all my needs are already being met in God's time. Am I the worlds most conventional spiritual person...ahhhh....no. Am I spiritual? Do I believe in God? Yes, with all of my heart. I have felt him, more in my sorrowful moments than my joyous ones--but he is always there isn't he? Tonight I was involved in a teleseminar with author Janet Conner and she said, "God. You shine the light and I will follow." Those words were so beautiful to me. So I will say, "God, you shine the light and I will follow...wherever it leads me."

I want to release my fears. I want to throw them into the wind and have them fly away like sand in the wind (hopefully none of it will fly back and land in my eye...LOL!) So goodbye fear. I release you, I weed you from my garden and replace you with love, hope and harmony.